Is It Just Me? Great British Bake Off

Our controversial new columnist will have Paul Hollywood caking in his boots

Is it just me, or do the cakes on The Great British Bake Off look delicious? I want to eat them all up and I don’t care who hears me say it. But am I the only one to think they’ve become an awful lot of faff?

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Don’t get me wrong: like the contestants, I’ve spent many evenings sat in front of my oven, staring in. But the lengths these people go to are ridiculous. Tempered chocolate, sugar work, plates! It’s not rocket science, you rocket scientist turned baker!

Am I the only one to enjoy a simple Victoria sponge with a cup of tea, spilling crumbs on my fellow bus passengers, licking stray jam off my forearm? Am I really so old-fashioned?

With today’s hectic lifestyles, who has time to separate or buy or eat an egg? Pizza delivery services are fantastically convenient, plus you can reuse the boxes to board up broken windows. Winter gets closer every day.

And has anyone else looked up the calorie counts of these sugary creations? When will someone stand up and say you shouldn’t replace every meal, vegetable and human emotion with fistfuls of chocolate cake? Has anyone else noticed this nation is suffering an obesity crisis?

And besides, these fancy gateaux will never taste as good as the cake and ice cream you used to get at a child’s birthday party: when you waited until the kids left, then scraped the leftovers into a purple slurry. Or was that just me?

Read more from our colourful columnist Alastair Savage here

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Are cakes delicious, or is it just Alastair? Tell him: @alastairsavage9