Mating Season: A tortoise’s guide to dating

Dating is tough these days. So we turn to a tortoise for advice. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

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Ahead of Channel 4’s new Mating Season strand – an examination of romance and dating in the modern world – we thought it would be nice to share some tips on how to get out there and make it happen. No it’s not from Dawn O’Porter, Will Mellor or Sheridan Smith who will all feature in the season of programmes, it’s from a tortoise named Arthur who, given his age, must have plenty of experience, right…?

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 Step 1: Look the part

Spruced up and ready to go! It’s important to look the part. Maybe even spritz on a bit of Old Spice for the occasion. Give the old shell a polish. What is it they say ladies always notice – hair, shoes, shell? Yeah, something like that.


Step 2: Mingle

If you’ve not yet met that lovely lady you’d like to take on a date, it’s time to mingle. I always find dancing is a fun way to meet your future partner. Feel free to use my moves. 


Step 3: Enjoy yourself

Dating doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Have a bit of fun with it, get a glow stick… 


Step 4: Be a gentleman

When you do get a date, make sure you treat her just right. A rose is a nice touch, but don’t get carried away. Just get water for the table, maybe some lettuce.


Step 5: Be inquisitve 

But maybe not too inquisitive…


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Channel 4’s Mating Season kicks off on 10 June