Britain’s Got Talent: semi-final two

New Bounce and Jean Martyn go through, but Enchantment and Lorna Bliss fail to impress...

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The guest turn during the results show was the cast of Shrek: the Musical. This involved a seven-foot green ogre singing I’m a Believer, flanked by Amanda Holden in a red wig and forgotten 90s TV presenter Richard Blackwood in a donkey costume.

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This was not the worst or weirdest act of the evening.

Enchantment comprised about 14 people painted as animals doing acrobatics, without any noticeable theme or choreography. At one point, someone dressed as a frog somersaulted across the stage on springed stilts, couldn’t stop, and forlornly hopped into the wings to fall over in private.

The leader was an older man in gold lipstick who sometimes sang bits of opera, but often just glided about silently like a Disney Dracula.

You can understand bad solo acts blithely ploughing on for years, but you’d think that, in a big group like Enchantment, at some point someone would clear their throat and say, “Guys. Sorry, I know we’ve all worked hard on this. We all share a dream. But I’ve just realised: our whole act is confusing rubbish that makes us look insane. I know, it IS obvious once someone points it out, isn’t it?”

Rejected at the audition stage but brought back for more humiliation was Lorna Bliss, the Britney Spears impersonator. Lorna didn’t do Toxic this time, which meant keeping her clothes on, skimpy as they were. The judges agreed that to succeed, Lorna must take her clothes off.

Afterwards, Lorna – who looks like Britney but can’t sing or dance – pulled her thigh-length red raincoat tighter across her chest and smiled at this useful feedback. That faint noise in the background was feminism being bludgeoned to death and thrown in a canal.

With relentlessly average dance trio Two and a Half Men and knackered sexagenarian singer Herbie Armstrong completing the first four acts, anyone even quarter-decent would have been a relief.

Retro-cute boy band New Bounce were properly good, so they looked like world-beaters. Their ploy during auditions of making the one who can’t sing take the lead paid dividends: now they kept him quiet and sounded 20 times better. Cunning.

Then, the fantastic boogie-woogie organ of Jean Martyn was even more life-affirmingly hilarious than when we saw her two days ago. Crocodile Rock, straight into Great Balls of Fire, with Jean laughing throughout: when she used her keyboard’s “massive cymbal crash” button, I had to lie flat on the living-room floor and scream with joy.

New Bounce and Jean were obviously through. In third place came illusionists David & Karen, who augmented Karen’s previous escape from a locked box by filling the box with water. Based on this, I think the hidden door to the box might be in the lid.

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Disappointment of the night were table-slapping duo Up & Over It, who tried to improve their act by standing up and, horrifyingly, doing Irish dancing. Their “hand dancing” was cool and funny in a way that Irish dancing quite famously isn’t. You’d think they would have realised.