8.17 GOOD EVENING! I’m Jack Seale, and I’m your host for this evening’s X Factor live blog. Right, listen, yeah? This blog is nothing – NOTHING – without you and your comments. If you’ve not been here before, I weave them seamlessly into the action, like some sort of… weaver. Trust me, it’s fun. The box is at the bottom there. Thank you. Yes.
8.19 Before I go any further I must thank the Porridge to my Going Straight, Ellie Walker-Arnott, who stood in most excellently this week for Claire Webb on the Strictly live blog. I believe Claire returns next week, but you’ll want to be reading it whatever happens. Oh yes. The dancing. So exciting.
8.22 Take Me Out has just finished. If you missed it: Sebastian, the Seventh Earl of Rocestershire, who enjoys pheasants and purchasing hotels, won a date with Lamazqua, a hairdresser from Nuneaton whose interests include glue and scissors. Make sure to find out how they got on next Saturday.
8.26 So, any predictions for this week? The whole predictions thing has been totally thrown off by the whole “Christopher is winning every week, you know” rumour thing. Every week I want to say he’ll go, every week he’s a disaster, every week he isn’t even in the bottom two. So I’m going to play safe and say that District3 are in the frame. You?
annabelle: I’m in NZ on holiday – can I still take part.
8:26 Annabelle: it’s helpful, but not essential, if you can see The X Factor being broadcast. Can you?
8:27 IT’S ON! THE X FACTOR! YOU KNOW! THAT PROGRAMME! IT’S STARTED!
jane: i’ve got a bad feeling about lucy. i think she peaked too soon.
Dingo: I can’t see Jade having a big fan base. I think it’s probably my voting that’s kept her in and I have no credit this week 🙁 Her and Chris possibly?
8:29 Dermot arrives for the Halloween special (remember: everyone MUST sing Thriller by Michael Jackson), adorned with embarrassing joke-shop devil horns. The dance: conservative. The spin: 90 degrees short. Here come the judges! Nicole has lost the “spiderweb bodystocking” draw of straws.
annabelle: Sadly not – was just hoping to keep up with the action here.
8:32 Annabelle: I will tell you everything you need to know. And possibly some other, slightly superfluous things.
jane: for a second there i thought gary had fangs. then i realised those were his real teeth. now that is scary.
8:32 Ooh, Lucy is unwell and, “on advice”, will not be singing and has a bye to next week. Bad luck there, Mystic Jane.
jane: my bad feeling about lucy was correctly predicted. just not quite in the right way.
8:34 Opening your show: KYE SONES! Kye, who sounds like a ripped set of bellows under a heavy duvet, is insanely attempting Let Me Entertain You by Robbie Williams. In a masterclass with Kye, Robbie himself says: “The problem is not the notes.” In previous weeks that’s definitely been among Kye’s problems, but we’ll see.
8:36 Kye has rocked this song RIGHT up by… slowing it down slightly. YOWZAH!
8:37 He sang the notes. He ran up the stairs through the crowd to a special perspex stage, like the one Ant and Dec stand on sometimes for Britain’s Got Talent. He finished on time. It was competent! Probably Kye’s most competent performance of the series! “Thank God for that!” comments Gary.
8:40 That caused Louis to have a minor existentialist crisis. He felt it lacked something. Louis may not have been sure about what really did interest him, but he was absolutely sure about what didn’t. Ad break!
8:43 Trailer there for Surprise Surprise with Holly Willoughby. Time, date and channel TBC.
8:45 We’re spooking well back! Dermot is in the audience with people who may or may not have dressed up for Halloween. Hard to know in that light.
8:46 Second to be on the stage for three minutes: it’s Josh, Jamie, Mikey, Mick and Pervez Blaumgartner III, better known as UNION J! Footage of them walking down the red carpet at the Skyfall premiere, edited to suggest they did this within an hour of Daniel Craig. In fact they were inside by 4.15pm.
8:49 The Une continue the Bond vibe by dressing in short jackets and standing on a car, although I think that’s a burnt-out Capri rather than an Aston.
Claire: To be fair, they probably had to be in bed by 9pm, so that was the latest showing they could manage.
8:52 Dry ice, Beautiful Nightmare by Beyonce, honking Westlife key change and a lovely big note in the middle by Corey: that was solid boy-blanding. Go on, try to remember something about it. Anything. You can’t, can you? They’re still safe. “It was simple. It was beautiful,” says Nicole, whose headdress is already starting to restrict her brain.
Dana: If we don’t get a product placement plug for whomever is providing all this guyliner, there’s a huge opportunity missed.
8:53 Guyliner, manscara, blokesher, dipstick: Union J had caked it on there, indeed. Ad break! It’s time to open that second bottle of wine.
8:55 Obviously you haven’t finished the first one yet. This is just to let No2 breathe.
jane: KYE LINER!!!!
8:55 Union J are my favourites so far. Anyone agree?
Dana: No, I prefered Kye. But I’m a huge Rob fan and anyone who can cover him and not mangle it gets my vote, even if it doesn’t set the world on fire.
8:58 Trailer for a Jonathan and Charlotte off of BGT doc. They’ve been through a lot of emotions, apparently. Oh God. He didn’t ask her out, did he? Well, I suppose people who don’t buy a ticket never win the lottery. Ooh we’re back and it’s RYLAN CLARK!
9:00 Rylan meets Robbie Williams and sings for him. It’s unclear whether Robbie is mentoring everyone or not. Union J just put their heads round the door. Anyway, footage of Rylan’s birthday party, including Nicole singing Happy Birthday to him in a latex bustier. Lucy was present and from the look on her face we may have solved the mystery of her incapacitation this week.
Kev: Lucy easily the best so far – literally kitchen sinking it into next week!
Jefferson: Rylan might be the first one wothout makeup?
9:05 Rylan does Toxic by Britney, mashed up innit with Horny by Mousse T and Poison by N Scherzinger. He’s dressed as the Sontarans’ eccentric great uncle and is flamboyantly, confidently out of tune. “You remind me of a young Jean Paul Gaultier!” is Louis’ comment on Rylan’s technical vocal ability.
Liz: Big improvement from Rylan. More than 1/2 of the notes appeared to be in tune
Ruth: Well Rylan is definitely scary!
Emma: Rylan’s like jive bunny with his medleys
9:07 Rylan promises that, if he gets through to next week, he’s just going to sing a song without any silly nonsense, to prove his singing talent. “Are you sure you want to do that?” says a concerned Dermot.
Alan: Is Declan really small or is Rylan really tall?
9:07 Alan: both. You could have had a second Dermot on Dermot’s shoulders there. Put a big overcoat on them, sorted.
9:08 Coming next: ELLA HENDERSON! Skyfall red carpet endorsements: Kelly Brook, Sam Mendes, who I’ve just noticed has Piers Morgan’s speaking voice. I dare say overcoming this is what drives Sam on.
9:10 Ella does Wake Me Up by Evanescence. This is a bit Phantom for me.
Dingo: Not as good as the Jai McDowall original!
9:12 Ella’s kind of had a week off there. Nicole looks positively depressed, which isn’t easy in a spiderweb bodystocking and Chaka Khan head decoration.
jane: another won-womp-wonmperferdul performance, as gary said.
9:13 “Did you want to make it your own?” asks Dermot. “I did want to make it my own,” Ella replies. Why Dermot never cracked the Question Time hosting gig remains a frustrating mystery. Ad break!
9:15 Now it’s time for vibrating Scouse ballad-squeezer, CHRISTOPHER MALONEY!
9:19 Gary tries to cure Christopher’s nerves by showing him his most nervous moments on a generic tablet device. Also, Gary’s mum is a big fan. Chris gives his elderly fans exactly what they want with (I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight by Cutting Crew. Big overcoat.
Dana: I wonder if Christopher will ever sing a song from the 21st century on this show.
9:24 Decent enough performance there from the quivering Liverpudlian cheeseball. He planted his feet and belted it out. Louis says Christopher is a future panto star, but then massively contradicts himself by comparing Christopher to the immense Tony Christie. Louis was right there for about five seconds – a new record.
9:26 Tulisa complains that Christopher is a rampant fromagerie – Gary employs the tried and tested John Terry defence and complains about her “fag-ash breath”. Quick as a flash, Tulisa says Gary’s breath stinks of wine. I say quick as a flash, it was about 35 seconds later, but still, a zinger.
Dingo: BEST PERSONAL INSULT ON X FACTOR EVER!
Bolt: Why is Nicole thrusting her groin in Barlow’s face this week? It is awkward.
Kev: What was that? No shaking leg, no wobbles, he even looked relaxed…I’m disappointed
9:30 Incidentally, Gary has previously confessed to swapping his mug of tea for a mug of wine when the relatively unimportant Xtra Factor begins on ITV2. Is Tulisa bending this truth for her own ends, or was the Xtra Factor story a cover for the fact that Gary is caning the Gallo all the way through the live shows? Surely it’s the former.
9:31 Next up: their name sounds like a low-budget European horror film where young people are possessed by the spirits of the dead, and shuffle around making bewildering, atonal groaning noises – but the reality could not be more different! Yes, it’s Steve, James, Jeremy, John, Paul and Georgina, aka DISTRICT3!
9:33 “Your voices are actually good enough,” says Robbie Williams, who seems to have declined to mentor Christopher but is now back. Are they, though? Are they? The Strict are tackling Every Breath You Take, dressed as glam droogs. Oh and they’ve mashed it up innit with Beautiful Monster by Ne-Yo! The songs don’t go together at all! One stops, then the other starts, then the first one comes back. Edgy.
9:36 Oh I love it when a prediction comes together. That’s an exit perf, for my money.
9:36 “An absolute mess. A musical mess,” says Gary, who is “fed up of mash-ups”. Nicole, who was moved by Christopher to shake her pussycat doll in Gary’s face, remains seated and solemnly tells District3 that that massively, massively honked. She is not wrong. I think they’re doomed. Ad break!
Bolt: Dressed up as rapists, singing about stalking. “Family entertainment” is a loose term, isn’t it…..
James: How can a Clockwork Orange themed performance be so dull?
Dana: I think Louis has chosen which boyband he plans to get through to the final and quit diluting the votes, and that shows with the song choice.
Liz: ooooh a quick google search reveals that Christopher ‘snubbed’ Robbie. Exciting stuff
9:39 Interesting, Liz, interesting. Fair play to Christopher: Millennium is one of the worst singles ever released by anyone. Well worth taking a moral stand over.
Dana: On the other hand, Rob did an entire album covering songs that were over 50 years old. Right up Christopher’s alley.
Liz: It probably only fair, in the interest of balance, to point out that other gossipy trash websites claim he went to visit his sick Gran.
Alan: A quick Google search also reveals that Tulisa rolls her own. #fagashbreathgate
9:43 We’re back from the ads! It’s JAHMENE DOUGLAS! This week he appeared at one of Samuel L Jackson’s charity events, which looked pretty sparsely attended given that Samuel is a hard man to say no to. Jahmene says he’s just going to stand there and sing this week. Will he refrain from adding 50,000 extra notes to Killing Me Softly?
9:46 Why is everyone wearing those sleeveguard things waiters have? First Christopher, now Jahmene, who otherwise goes for a raspberry waistcoat and trousers. Perhaps the attire will distract from the singing, because that was like a “shreds” version of Jahmene. Tentative, often off-key. Bring back the extra 50,000 notes! Jahmene looked really uncomfortable without them.
Nancy: The title has the word ‘killing’ in it, therefore it works for Halloween? Really?
9:49 Gary gives Christopher and Kye a massive shot in the arm by saying that he watches the American X Factor and their singers make ours look silly and rubbish – except Jahmene! He’s not your act, Gary. Anyway, the judges all thought that was incredible, so what do I know. Nothing. That is what.
James: That was opposite Jahmene: it started really strongly, then slowly got tentative and wobbly.
Nancy: Jahmene is fantastic usually but this was a bad week
9:51 And now: her daughter wasn’t allowed to go and see Skyfall, so that was upsetting: it’s JADE ELLIS! Is that her name? Jade Something.
9:52 Tulisa went round to Jade’s flat this week, so that ticked off the daughter thing. Jade has got her space catsuit on and is doing Freak Like Me by Adina Howard. Jade looks slightly embarrassed by this raunchy production. A slightly odd arrangement that can’t decide whether to put Tubeway Army on the backing track as a reference to the philosopher’s girlband, Sugababes. Overall: vague.
jane: is jahmene in trouble this week? even if the judges thought it was great, sounds like the public (represented by us lot on the blog) don’t agree. and that is what counts…
10:03 jane: I don’t think he’ll be near the bottom two. District3, Christopher (unless he’s the most popular by miles! Grr) and Jade were all much, much worse. Tell you what, though: I’m definitely thinking Ella shouldn’t be odds-on favourite to win the whole thing any more. I really think Union J could win. And here’s a dark horse: JAMES ARTHUR.
10:05 James, in a straitjacket and heavy manscara, does Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics. I’m calling it now: he’ll be in the final.
Nancy: James is reminding me of a strange love child of Michael Buble and Plan B
jane: james and ella to come top two overall. who agrees?
Dingo: Jack, do you think the show has missed Brian Friedman this week, or is it unnoticeable?
10:08 Could have a point there, Dingo. Basically no choreography tonight.
10:09 I’ve just checked and James is 5/1 to win, third favourite behind Ella and Jahmene. Hmmm. I abhor gambling though, so this is irrelevant. James describes his performance as “my usual intense dark thing”. He needs to stop saying stuff like that because I thought he was excellent. I don’t bandy phrases like this around willy-nilly, but that was Aiden Grimshaw-esque. Yes. I went there.
Alan: I think he’s more than a dark horse. He’ll be in the final certainly.
Nancy: Jahmene and James are the ones I care about. Controversial but I’ve said it from the start – Ella is overrated
10:12 That’s it! I think Rylan and Christopher probably have a rump of support that will put them through, and Christopher wasn’t as bad as usual anyway, so I’m saying District3 in the bottom two with Jade. You?
jane: district three SHOULD go. Christopher SHOULD go. but this is the x factor, what SHOULD happen seldom does.
Dana: I agree completely. And Gary and Tulisa will prove their solidity by making out onstage.
10:18 It’s finished! Jahmene sounding particularly ropey on the recap, along with Kye who might be another one potentially in trouble. Without Lucy that all seemed to be over so quickly. Thanks, as ever, for all your comments. I just glue them together. See you next week! Mwah!
jane: nighty night jack. make sure the bed bugs don’t bite (aka. christoper, rylan and district three)