12 quotes that prove Victoria Coren Mitchell is the perfect quiz show host

Only Connect and Victoria Coren Mitchell. Quizzing perfection

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Victoria Coren Mitchell was born to host Only Connect. These pearls of wit and wisdom prove it,

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1. “Just as I was leaving my dressing room I had a phone call from a lovely young man who said I might be in line for some compensation and asked if I’d had an accident in the last couple of years. Well, that led to a long conversation about whether getting pregnant counted.”

2. “Ever since we moved here from the rarefied world of BBC4, every week during the show people write to me on Twitter to ask what I’m wearing. Now I don’t want to be all knee-jerk offended and political, but I ask, would you write to This Week and ask what Michael Portillo is wearing? I know I have. In fact, I’ve written to offer to collect anything that Michael Portillo has worn. For charity. And the day that he replies, so will I.”

3. “Coming to you from a studio haunted by the gaunt figure of our former question editor Mr Connor, who has sadly passed over to the other side… ITV, where his mental acuity and intellectual rigour have proved a ratings disaster.”

4. “I’d like to apologise for what happened last week. I thought the show was over and my microphone was off. Obviously, I respect all contestants on this show as human beings and if I gave any impression otherwise I am sorry. For me, phrases like ‘Spread him on a cracker’, ‘Buns that just won’t quit’ — they’re as innocent as ‘Juice him ‘til the pips pop’. It’s just words. I’m glad I was able to clear that up.”

5. “Don’t feel guilty that you just spent the last half hour watching Only Connect. This is your special time, when you put YOU first, leave off making dinner, switch off your phone, forget about the kids and relax. Now stop relaxing, the chip pan’s on fire and you’ve had eight calls from A&E. But it was fun while it lasted!”

6. “Thank you for watching, and for not switching over to ITV to see someone fail to win a holiday off Ant and Dec.”

7. “If you have ever been a contestant, we’d like to hear from you. Why not pop down to the studio and pay us a visit? It’ll be fun! Certainly nothing to worry about. Do bring anyone who was on the show with you. Especially anyone who stood next to the exposed pipes under the ceiling tiles in the ground floor dressing room. For an extra bit of a giggle, why not bring along any recent medical records, especially anything related to asbestos. We’ll have a chat, we’ll sign a couple of forms. We’ll talk about the old days.”

8. “If you’re worried that your house is haunted by a ghost and might need exorcising, there’s an easy way of working out if it is or it isn’t: it isn’t.”

9. “According to the findings of focus groups, you’re no longer listening to what I’m saying, so it doesn’t matter what I say, it could be anything. Vaccinations are the devil’s work. Praise Hitler. Always put water on a fat fire.”

10. “We’re done for the night. I’m off for a cup of tea and some crystal meth. Only joking. I’ve had quite enough tea for one day.”

11. “If you’re the sort of person who watches the show on your mobile, I can only hope you weren’t interrupted by too many friends calling. Except of course you weren’t, because you’re the sort of person who watches quizzes on your phone.”

12. “Welcome to Only Connect, the quiz where contestants have to find connections between clues so random and incongruent, they could be the ingredients of a Findus lasagne. Obviously the ingredients of a Findus lasagne aren’t random and incongruent: it’s all horse… It’s not all horse, I’m sure our lawyers would like me to point out that was a long time ago, procedures have changed, it was never all horse, the ingredients of a Findus lasagne are exactly as they should be. So if you want to eat one, giddy up.”

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Only Connect is on Friday 8.30pm BBC2