If watching BBC1’s Death in Paradise has got you dreaming of an exotic summer holiday, you’re not alone. What you are, though, is taking your life in your hands.
The sun-soaked shores of Saint Marie might look idyllic, what with the blindingly white beaches, lush palm trees and blue, cloudless sky, but the fictional island has an unfortunately high fatality rate. Astronomical, actually. If you were to head off on your holiday there, your chances of needing a return flight would be rather small.
But there are ways to avoid this. We’ve scoured the series so far and found a few dos and don’ts for holidaying on the crime-ridden Caribbean island…
Don’t take part in a séance
This one actually also applies to life in general. In the world of TV and film this has never – I repeat, never – ended well for anyone…
Do double check the identity of your fellow travellers
Think you’re heading off to Bali with your boyfriend or Mississippi with your mum? Are you sure they are not an imposter who has had facial reconstruction surgery? 100% sure?
Don’t go treasure hunting
Travel rep lets slip that pirate Leclerc’s hidden treasure is fabled to lie nearby? Steer clear and stick to lying on your sun lounger.
You might fancy spotting some exotic plumage or a rare bird call, but if Death in Paradise has taught us anything, it’s that the world of birdwatching is ruthless, competitive and incredibly violent.
Do make your own food and drink
From lethal chicken curry to deadly champagne, you’re better off knowing what’s in the food and drink you consume. Who knows which jealous, angry or misguided holidaymaker might have spiked it?
Don’t watch any live music
From boat cruise cabaret to rock concerts, when a song starts on the island of Saint Marie you can guarantee someone will be dead by the end of it…
Don’t have an affair, commit tax fraud, launder money or thieve
We shouldn’t really have to tell you to avoid these nefarious activities, but nothing ever stays secret on the island of Saint Marie. If you’ve done something bad, someone will find out and it almost definitely won’t end well for you…
Do avoid nuns and convents
All sorts of illegal activity also goes on in convents. If you don’t want any trouble, cross the road at the sight of a wimple.
Death in Paradise returns tonight at 9:00pm on BBC1