My favourite Crystal Maze contestants were the Literalists. They would hop down into some amazingly constructed logic puzzle in the Aztec zone, and start describing everything for their teammates outside. Everything.
Contestant: “OK, I’m in a room with four walls and a floor. The floor is covered in something, I think it’s sand.”
Richard O’Brien: “That’s great Jeff, can you see the crystal? Do you know what to do?
Contestant: “Yes, it is. It is sand.”
They got locked in every time.
The fact new episodes of the Crystal Maze are not being produced is the shame of our generation. Of course it was every child’s dream to run around the zones ourselves –never breaking into that disused aircraft hanger in North Weald is one of the great regrets of my life – and the upcoming ‘live immersive experience’ sounds tantalising. But do you know the problem with that?
The Crystal Maze was really, really difficult. Only a few Londoners will get to enjoy the live experience, and if it’s anything like the show, they’re not going to get on any better than, say, this person…
The difficulty was also what made the show so brilliant; shouting at the poor, baffled contestants in the way that sports fans shout at sport. (Presumably.) Hell, they were even doing it behind the scenes.
“Where do we get them?”
No, the Crystal Maze belongs on TV, with Richard and Mumsy and, yes, even Ed Tudor-Pole. We, as a nation, must demand it back. Vote now and we can do this people.