Radio Times

Location, Location, Location is a programme based on greed and sex. Greed is provided simply by bringing the housing market to the screen and suggesting that not only could we "trade up", but also we would be better, happier people for it. Sex, less successfully perhaps, is provided by the intimation that, given the chance, Phil and Kirstie would be at it like knives.

The show's bast*rd offspring Relocation, Relocation has taken this model and gone global - well, over the Channel, anyway. Now it's not just about being greedy in Britain, it's about being greedy in Europe at the same time.

Last week we had a couple looking for a place in the Languedoc region which, we were reminded, is in the south of France, plus "a rural idyll" in Suffolk (personally I'd take Montpelier over Felixstowe - generally the wine's better). This is classic Relocation, Relocation, though frankly it doesn't matter what the couple are looking for as the same clunking mechanism is employed every time.

Early on in proceedings false oppositions are set up between the couple: he wants a place where he can extend the garage to house his traction engine, she wants to knock down the kitchen wall and put in a six-burner stove with spit. She wants a view "with trees in it"; he wants to be "near the off-licence".

These rival desires are maintained through the viewing of a succession of increasingly dismal houses with horrendous wallpaper and urine-stained carpet in the toilet. Meanwhile Kirstie is in the Dordogne or Tuscany, looking stern in front of a derelict 18th-century chapel full of diseased goats that has "real investment potential".

But hang on - look what Phil, who'll be wearing a city business shirt combined with jumper and jeans (you know, he's good on the money stuff but he's a nice guy to have a pint with), has found! A semi-detached late Victorian conversion with half an acre of land behind Threshers with a withered apple tree next door.

Phil, unsurprisingly, has done this using his "contacts". Simultaneously Kirstie has gone off to have girlie talks with the unfortunate, and invariably mousey, woman who married the idiot who likes traction engines. But, of course, it can never be truly "girlie" as Kirstie is practically an aristocrat and - high heels, woolly stockings, glum face and blowsy blouses - clearly bewildered by just how common Britons are.

Throughout this tosh Phil and Kirstie have little love scenes under trees or by rivers. This is all so false and so utterly couple-orientated that the single man, or woman, is entirely justified in hurling glass ashtrays at the TV screen. Which I have had to stop, having running out of ashtrays and TV screens.

Buying a house is a hellish experience. Why would anyone choose to do it with a slightly bonkers member of the upper classes and a property speculator? Well, I suppose Unity Mitford and Caligula are dead. Pity though, that would have been good TV.

I love Location location location... and both presenters are brilliant at what they do.

Well I love to watch the show and to peek into other peoples homes,see the beautiful English countryside, as well as observe the ghastly colour schemes even in some beautiful big houses.

Being bitter about a tv program is a waste of time. If you don't like it, don't watch it.I can understand being bitter about it if it was offensive, or inappropriate for day time television, or spreading hatred, but it's just something your mum watches with a cup of tea and a biscuit. No big deal.

It makes some people happy. Some people like to dream about things even if they know it isn't realisitc. That's why people play the lottery. It also lets people get some ideas about what they might like to do with their house, or it gives them something to aim for in the future.

Envy is also a total waste of time. If you are being jealous and watching tv at the same time you're just winding yourself up when you could be doing something that would make you happy.

I love all the negative comments here !Turn the T.V. off !!and why do you still watch? Surely thats the answer to all you "haters" I love the show.Of course most of us can't afford the properties shown,isn't that the whole point?I bet if it was about buying a car we couldn't afford,most of the men who commented would be salivating ....?

It goes from bad to worse. As we have reached 2009 with tumbling property prices and therefore of no interest to Phil and Kirsty, we now have to re-visit their past successes ( ? ! ) back in good old 2007 and even better 2006. This means Kirstie can show off her complete lack of taste in maternity gear, preferring as she does, tents with loud tops. The ghastly asides between her and Phil are nauseating enough to make television screens vulnerable to hard objects. Where do they find the couples to take part in this charade ? All of them quite incredibly annoying and devoid of any taste. Time to drop Relocation and find something else for them to do. God knows what !

I'm a bit of a tree-hugger, and while Phil and Kirsty are charming, the environmental damage they encourage their charges to cause irks me terribly.

Almost every time the happy family are encouraged to stretch to an uncomfortably long commute by car, with a huge carbon impact. The long commute is required of course so that they can buy a much larger, more energy-consuming house for the same money. They want to be just out of hearing of any main roads, while they will drive directly past thousands of other hapless souls' houses to get to and from their own gloriously isolated place.

The inevitable grim effect on their own well-being of having the breadwinner sit in a car for 4 hours every day is a moot point too, but at least that's their own choice.

The Euro version requiring a budget flight every fortnight takes the damage up several notches of course...

These are programmes for people who want to: a)be on telly and b)be nosey around other people's homes, they rearly have any intention of buy, it's just a Kirsy and Phil soap opera, add to the House in the Country or even worse Homes in the sun or Place down under, FREE HOLS I hear!

at least there's the odd occasion where someone actually decides to go for one of the highlighted properties. with other property shows, there's rarely a time where anyone is even vaguely interested in any of the viewings, proving that good estate agents (which is how i see phil and kirsty, however glorified) are hard to come by.

at least there's the odd occasion where someone actually decides to go for one of the highlighted properties. with other property shows, there's rarely a time where anyone is even vaguely interested in any of the viewings, proving that good estate agents (which is how i see phil and kirsty, however glorified) are hard to come by.

ah Michael your rant is amusing and for at least making me chuckle and killing five or so mins i think il post this and waste some other b****rs time

i think its about time they helped real people now we have a crisis in housing ho0w about helping people who need to move down the housing market to pay off their morgages

Give us proper advice if at all. The property market is a disaster zone, down 50% or more in a year if you measure it against real money (gold). Shares are nearly as bad. Why can't the media give realistic savy advice for people to preserve some of their money? Or if they can't do that how about a reality show where Kirstie and Phil are handcuffed together wearing "I love George Bush" t shirts and set loose in Afganistan. Unmanned drone aircraft could track them and we'd all have the laugh we deserve after listening to them for so long.

Give us proper advice if at all. The property market is a disaster zone, down 50% or more in a year if you measure it against real money (gold). Shares are nearly as bad. Why can't the media give realistic savy advice for people to preserve some of their money? Or if they can't do that how about a reality show where Kirstie and Phil are handcuffed together wearing "I love George Bush" t shirts and set loose in Afganistan. Unmanned drone aircraft could track them and we'd all have the laugh we deserve after listening to them for so long.

The problem with Re/Location etc, in addition to the annoying thing correctly pointed out in your article, is that it provides a forum to dish out what essentially boils down to investment advice. If they were talking about shares they'd need to be regulated by the FSA.

When will Kirsty eat HER HAT? She promised that she would if house prices ever went down. they did, so why haven't we seen her chow on felt?

According to tonights blurb, the couple have half a million to spend! Isn't it about time these programmes got real. As a pensioner I could not afford anything like this and my married daughter cannot even manage to get on the property ladder and we are nowhere nearly as bad as most

Why hate Relocation? Because it's not made by the BBC. Hate is an extremely emotive word, anyway. It's only a TV programme. Get a life in the real world (i.e. the one the BBC doesn;t report on).

Great article. The real issue here is why broadcasters (particularly the public-service variety) are not offering any useful investment advice to people on average or low incomes. Where are the TV shows about pensions? The catering to the wealthy is a failure to deliver appropriate public broadcasting. The writer is spot on regarding the artificial emphasis of gender differences. Sarah Beany's trademark is a really odd way of causing conflict between couples and subtly undermining the women involved. The real issue here is the way in which the British upper middle class is now morally and intellectually utterly bankrupt.

I totally agree with Mr Hodges comments. The same goes for all these programmes, it's a tired and now out of touch format. It's not just the Banks, and Estate Agents that have fueled the property boom, these programmes ARE ALSO TO BLAME. Preying on Briton's built-in inferiority complex,& class system. Let's have some realism if we must have this sort of programming, as other people have commented on here...or is that to much like real life!? As for Phil & Kirste, I think they are sent up beautifully in "Dead Ringers".

Generally don't hold that much disdain for reclocation, relocation but I did find your article very funny so +1 to you sir!

These two numptys really are a complete waste of space. Hodges is spot on in his analysis of Allsop - other people really are SO common! Would you really want to watch a television programme presented by a couple of spivvy estate agents? Cos that's what you are doing!

No good reason but I love this show-how shallow am I?

I love Kirstie and Phil. It is my favourite show on Foxtell. I want to retire back to Britain after living in Australia. There is so much good advice on locations, prices and personal tastes. It has taken the fear factor out of returning to Britain after 38 years in Australia. I also think that Kirsie and Phil are very stylish, and very funny (the British sense of humour). Miss the sense of humour! Keep sending Relocation to Oz. Many thanks. Su.

Ah bagpuss69, don't you like to see people who have worked their fingers to the bone,getting on in life? they should be admired for it, some people hate seeing others doing well,I could never feel like that!! after all the sort of people on this prog, are just hard working people on the whole,you can tell they were not born with a silver spoon in their mouth!! as they all have the same old sayings ticked all the boxes, Wow & so on,they can only be normal working class!!

Well,zangelzone these properties are not all for the well off as you seem to think, they range for very cheap homes from £150K up to around £800k, the price depends on what or where you are looking & what you can afford, I think it is a great prog, only problem is it is quite out of date!!some of the people drive me nuts, with their ticking the boxes & wow's such bores!!

I have to agree with Michael. For the first minute my greedy aspirations of grandieur are let loose and I magine I can own a delightful property here or overseas in some wonderful location and then I come back to reality and dreary wet and windy england and only a mountain, of debt.

It leaves me completely stressed out and sick to see what I am missing out on.. oh yes envy , it brings that out in me as well.

I think that their annual spin off programme "Best/Worst Place to Live" is cheap, nasty broadcasting at its worst. The two of them must be so proud of sneering at and ridiculing some of the most disadvantaged areas of the UK with this destructive programme. The streets of Middlesbrough, Hull and Salford, all areas of post industrial decline, cannot hope to compare favourably with the affluent, leafy hotspots that Kirstie and Phil drool over and promote.

Why don't they offset the damaging publicity the programme inflicts on these towns and cities by volunteering some time and expertise, or even part of their fee, to the various regeneration projects in such areas?

I really can't think why they got involved with such a mean, crass programme. It does them no credit but, no doubt, it is very lucrative for them.

Personally I love Phil and Kirsty - actually can't help but feel sorry for them with some of the lunatics they have to work with!!!

The thing that really winds me up about Relocation Relocation is that it so rarely goes to plan - Mr and Mrs Annoying inevitably end up scrapping the "crash pad" plan and sink the entire budget into the "rural idyll"!!! Clearly, it's just Location, Location, Location in disguise.

That said, I don't really want to have to watch some monumentally rich couple end up with a £250,000 flat in London along with a £675,000 country retreat - that would REALLY make me sick!!

Aren't all these house related programs the same.. I can't afford a house yet I see people on their 2nd, 3rd house just to make some more cash. Programs on the BBC annoy me the most..

Just a note to "ehwells" who thinks it is "normal" to be working class - you probably haven't noticed, but you working class people are now in a distinct minority. As John Prescott said, "we are all middle class now". Well, maybe not all, there are still some ehwells around. "Awright, ehwells, mate - know warra mean?"

I love Kirsty and Phil - think they are very entertaining and do a great job. Great programme with a bit of humour! Wish there were more of these, certainly better than those awful game shows.

Having nothing better to do the other week, I counted how many hours of location... type programmes there were on freeview. Total 43 hours! Imagine the fuss if there were that much football! Moderation in all things, I say.

Nothing wrong with Location, Location. Which deals with normal couples / familes with normal budgets, wanting normal homes....But this Relocation..with up their ar*e couples from London with a budget of £900,000 for a "crash pad" and want to escape the rat race.... urghhhh it makes my blood boil.......

Phil and Kirsty are great presenters and Location Location is for real people, in real situations and must continue.

But please please stop this prententious crash pad rubbish and put normal, everyday working class folk on the telly!

you have completely hit the nail on the head..... and I thought I liked the programme!!!!

did anyone see the dead ringers sketch with the Kirsty character saying 'I wasn't born I was knitted!' haven't been able to take her seriously since!!!

But surely Hodges of the Times misses the point, this is a programme made by women for women, whith a token metro-sexual alongside comely Kirsty, proving that not all men are b******s, and isn't he lovely, ah bless him with his little knowing wink, nod and smarmy comment.

The sole purpose of the programme is to provide entertainment for the Ladies whilst the Gentleman are out doing something else eg- football, socialising, world domination etc.

I agree with bigpants. The nosey factor definitely comes into play plus it means I don't have to wander the streets peering inro peoples living rooms and risking arrest. I have become strangely addicted to some of these types of programmmes though not relocation 'cos I really can't abide Kirstie. My favourite is the BBC's To Buy or Not To Buy. Often hosted by the gloriously camp Kristian Digby. Maybe one day I'll attempt a semiotic analysis of what it means to me. Bet y'all can't wait

Surely you realise this show is for the girls. We get to nosey around other peoples bathrooms, critique Kirstie's fashion sense and ponder how the hell did that woman give birth to a 24 pound baby.

Absolutely spot on. You have described all the reasons why I love it!

Relocation relocation is much better than that alternative A Place in the sun! Now she really is annoying!!

Sorry have to disagree with you, I like the programme as it lets me be nosey and see into other peoples houses. While I appreciate Phil and Kirstie do very little work in finding the houses I do like there presentation style.

What i would like to see tho is them fined houses for people on a council estate!