"I've got very aggressive athletes foot but that's the only thing about me that hurts." "I've fired several rifles, at funfairs and won prizes, but I've never fired one in anger... or at a cat." "I've had one panic attack in a carwash - it was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife and angry brushes whirring towards me."
Does that give you any clue about what's going on in this first clip from Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa? Nope, didn't think so, but those are just a handful of the many classic Partridge soundbites we're anticipating when his silver screen debut is released this summer.
The minute-long scene from the upcoming movie shows Partridge (played by Steve Coogan) in a briefing with the local police force, led by Anna Maxwell Martin, before the radio host heads in to tackle a hostage situation at Radio North Norfolk Digital. But being Alan he can't help ...being Alan..
Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa is released in UK cinemas on 7 August 2013