The 9 nuttiest lines from Danny Dyer’s Right Royal Family

Episode one featured some choice Dyer comments

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King (or should that now be Saint?) Danny Dyer was getting regal-ed out of his brain on BBC1 in the first episode of Danny Dyer’s Right Royal Family as he had a light-hearted romp through his blue-blooded family tree.

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The result saw him go Full Lucy Worsley as he wore every helmet, crown and urine-stained tunic that was thrown in his direction. And, as ever, his hilarious turns of phrase were the stand-out highlights. Here’s a countdown of Dyer’s funniest comments from episode one:

Why aren’t I plotting up there, tonguing a princess?

As Dyer circles around Buckingham Palace in a car, he asks why he isn’t now a resident with the rest of the Windsors. We’ll assume “tonguing” means kissing and not anything filthier.

I’ve got scrolls coming out of me earholes

At first, Dyer seemed put out to be presented with a family tree that had much greater detail than the one he’d received on Who Do You Think You Are? But the sight of even more monarchs in his lineage left him looking forward to his “nutty journey”.

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Let’s go and get involved in something that’s not gonna make me spew me ring up

The verdict on a typical Viking meal of sheep’s cheeks and tongue. Surely the whole country now wants to see our host take on an I’m a Celeb Bushtucker trial?

No, I’m not gonna be doing that, am I? Thank f**k for that

Who else clocked the fear flashing across Dyer’s face when – for one brief second – he thought he’d be hunting on foot like William the Conqueror and splitting a dead red deer from chin to genitals in a special ceremony?

I’ve caught him right in the windpipe

The moment when Dyer becomes the poster boy for historical re-enactment societies. Yes, it’s the scene in which he dons medieval garb, clamps some foliage between his teeth for camouflage and fires a surprisingly accurate shot in the direction of a life-sized model of a deer.

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He would have been happy to be wearing p**s?

At Dover Castle, Dyer is left querying whether Henry II would have agreed to put on clothes that had been bleached with urine.

He’s burning the geezer’s lips! There’s other ways, isn’t there? F**king hell

Louis IX’s punishment for those who have blasphemed leaves the presenter shocked. It seems that a hot rod to a mouth is too much, even for someone with a hard-man reputation.

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I’m gonna go and save some lepers. See you later. Here’s a couple now – bonjour

After his barefoot walk following in the steps of the pious Louis IX, Dyer decides to do some good deeds of his own and then cheekily insults some elderly residents of Paris.

I’ve got it coursing through me veins

And, of course, tonight’s big pay-off: Dyer’s discovery that his relative Louis IX was canonised by the Pope. So not only is Dyer regal, his sacred blood can now work miracles in the church.

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Danny Dyer’s Right Royal Family concludes next Wednesday at 9.00pm on BBC1