Britain. The sporting nation. We love all sports, from tennis to croquet to tennis with a feathery ball. But there’s one sport we can’t abide.
Yes, American football. We don’t like the name…
…we don’t understand the rules…
…and we really hate British people who pretend to be interested just because the Super Bowl is on.
Unlike straightforward British sports (which include terms like ‘hooker’, ‘sticky wicket’ and ‘out for a duck’) American football sounds ridiculous.
Unlike the Premier League, American football is like, really commercial, yeah?
They eat ridiculous food. Not like strawberries, a punnet of cream and barley water. Or prawn sandwiches.
Their music choices are baffling. Not like English rugby fans singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Or footballers coming out to Hey Baby by DJ Otzi.
We Brits don’t bother with anything as crass as a halftime show either (although, opening ceremonies are another matter, of course).
Nevertheless, Idina Menzel singing the national anthem is enough to inspire traitorous feelings. Sorry, your Majesty…
…and, much as in history, the Patriots had the last laugh.
Congratulations America, see you next year!