Ladies and gentlemen, a vitally important contest has just begun. It goes right to the heart of the national psyche and calls into question the very definition of British values. It’s so controversial that you can expect civil war to break out by tea time.
Yes – it’s time for the World Cup of Biscuits.
Richard Osman has been hyping his Red Nose Day event for days (and presumably consuming vast quantities of digestives and bourbons and custard creams as research).
The launch was pushed back after the Westminster terror attack, but the Pointless host gave the go-ahead on Thursday after deciding it “will be nice to argue about something silly for a bit”.
With the rallying cry of “good luck to all competing biscuits”, he revealed which 32 biscuits had made the cut and – crumbs! – it’s going to be a tough competition.
Custard creams are up against the mighty choco Liebniz, fig rolls are going head-to-head with chocolate digestives, and in one particularly competitive group category we’ll have to choose between wagon wheels, ginger nuts, chocolate chip cookies and hobnobs.
But the question on everyone’s lips since the World Cup of Biscuits was announced has been: would Jaffa cakes qualify? The controversial orange-and-chocolate sponge-and-jelly snacks have long been at the centre of a row about whether Jaffa Cakes are cakes or biscuits. Osman kept us guessing.
And the answer, according to Osman is – YES! Jaffa Cakes are sitting proud in group 4 of 8, where they are up against malted milks, penguins and lemon puffs. A brave decision.
Osman himself has started a poll to see whether he had made the right call, and it’s the closest and most divisive vote since Brexit.
Each group will produce two winners, and then there will be quarter finals and so on until the ultimate winner of the World Cup of Biscuits takes home the crown.
The result will be revealed on Red Nose Day, which begins at 7pm on BBC1 on Friday 24th March.