Dancing on Ice is back, and judging by Sunday night’s opening show, it’s already set to be a classic series.
Actual Didi Conn from actual Grease actually wore Frenchy’s actual jacket from the actual movie, Mark Little committed crimes against ice-skating with his disastrous routine – and Gemma Collins did the splits (sort of).
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But no matter what shenanigans happen on the deep-frozen dance show, DoI would be nothing without Jason Gardiner’s scathingly savage shut-downs.
The acerbic choreographer has let his famously acidic tongue run away with him on numerous occasions, with a particular low point seeing him having to issue a grovelling apology on This Morning in 2010 when he told Olympic swimmer Sharron Davies, “You look like faecal matter that won’t flush, that goes around and around but doesn’t go anywhere.”
Keeping with the toilet theme, he told shockingly bad skater EastEnders actor Todd Carty that, when on ice, he looked like ‘he’d crapped himself’ – and thanks to the withering eye Jason was giving him, he probably had.
The 47-year-old hasn’t mellowed with age either, returning to the show in 2013 after a year’s hiatus to tell TOWIE star Lauren Goodger that she had “all the sensuality of a walrus”, and promising not to pull any punches as the contestants take to the ice this series.
And so far he’s been as good as his word…
To Didi Conn after her boxing-themed routine:
“It’s not ‘Eye of the Tiger’, it’s more ‘Eye of the Pussycat’ with you, isn’t it?”
To Jane Danson after her cowboy performance
“You want to go out, Jane Danson? Because that lacked of lot of dance content, and the dancing you did do was very basic. There was a lot of production in it to mask the fact there wasn’t a hell of a lot going on. Your lines are terrible. Fix it.”
To Didi Conn after a strange start to her Mary Poppins routine:
“I thought you were going to start pole-dancing.”
To a tearful Jane Danson after an emotional performance to Les Mis’ I Dreamed a Dream:
“You may have felt it. I didn’t.”
To Gemma Collins after her Marilyn Monroe routine:
“You might have been Marilyn Monroe, bit it was more Anna Nicole-Smith.”
To Westlife’s Brian McFadden, who took to the ice despite having partially dislocated his shoulder the day before:
“That came off looking like a couple who are overdressed and are hogging a general skate session at an ice rink.”
To Ryan Sidebottom after stumbling through his first performance:
“The eagle has landed…on a bit of a turkey.”
To Richard Blackwood, who in all honesty wasn’t even that bad:
“It was safe. And forgettable.”
To Coronation Street star Jane Danson, after dancing to My Fair Lady favourite On the Street Where You Live:
“If you did that on my street, I’d probably call the council.”
After giving Didi Conn her a measly 2.5 for her routine to Grease’s We Go Together:
“Didi, I feel Conned. You’ve been dining out on that song for what, 40 years?”
To an exhausted Mark Little:
“I couldn’t wait for it to end.”
And to Gemma Collins after her Beyonce routine:
“You talk up a big talk but you don’t back it up. It felt a little bit like a French and Saunders parody.”
Dancing on Ice continues Sunday at 6pm on ITV