Picture this: it's Oscars night, you're nominated. You're dressed to the nines, anxiously anticipating your turn in the spotlight when you step out on stage and get your mitts on that coveted golden statuette. Except... it doesn't happen. Instead of thanking your mum, sister and third cousin once removed, you're left mustering the most convincing gracious loser face you can manage. What could possibly reverse the crushing disappointment?
Well, how about a portion-controlled line of dinnerware? An electrolyte spray supplement for your pet? Some sustainable gift wrap, perhaps? Yes, we sound a little bonkers but, believe it or not, all of the above feature in this year's consolation prize - the 2014 Oscars swag bag.
Compiled by US PR firm Distinctive Assets, the £50,000 gift packages are brimming with enough freebies to put a smile back on the face of the grumpiest Oscars losers. While the triumphant actors, directors and crews walk away clutching their silverware, those left in their seats have some lavish (and downright bizarre) freebies to take their minds of things.
First up, a not-so-subtle battle plan to transform into a glamorous Hollywood starlet: a $5,000 laser and cosmetic medical services gift certificate, a package of ten personal training sessions and a collection of protein bars and shakes. And for anyone feeling a little follically challenged next to the luscious locks of Brad Pitt and Leo DiCaprio, celebrity hair restoration surgeon, Dr William Yates, is offering hair transplants (worth a whopping $16,000).
Also provided in this year's gift bags is the somewhat ominous mace pepper gun, available to point in the direction of the lucky sod who actually won the prize. Or for anyone preferring to drown their sorrows in the bottom of a glass instead, there's a handy bottle of vodka, plus some savoury wine-infused chocolates (sounds...erm...interesting).
For those whose confidence has taken a knock, there is a $500 lifetime subscription to Headspace.com - the world's first gym membership for the mind (how VERY Hollywood), or if you'd rather take advantage of all the seriously attractive company at the after party, a free pack of luxury condoms may come in handy.
And being Los Angeles, of course there are plenty of wacky procedures for the losers to redeem including Dr Charles Runels' $2,700 O-Shot procedure - a rejuvenation and enhancement of female genital tissue. Yup, we're pretty speechless, too.
Watch coverage of this year's Oscars beginning with red carpet arrivals from 11:30pm on Sky Movies