1. Matt Edmondson will perform Super Bass by Nicki Minaj
We already think that Matt Edmondson will look better as Nicki Minaj than he does as Matt Edmondson.
We were shocked at just how attractive he was when he dressed up as one of Little Mix in this promo video for The Xtra Factor which he hosted last year alongside Rylan Clark-Neal. Seriously, look:
In our humble opinion he should dress as a woman all the time. But sadly we’ll just have to get our next fix for 10 minutes on Saturday night.
We’re sure there’s some profound political and feminist message behind the video to Nicki Minaj’s Super Bass, but we haven’t yet been able to find it between all the topless men, unzipped denim hotpants, twerking, sheer amount of cleavage being thrust about and the final image of Nicki bent double over a bloke’s knee as he gropes her bum.
By the looks of it, Matt’s in for one hell of an evening. He’s already admitted that he can’t sing or dance, so we might be in for as rough a ride as him.
2. Russell Grant will perform Chain Reaction by Diana Ross
We’ve already seen Russell’s, um, prowess on the dancefloor following his bonkers eight-week stint on Strictly Come Dancing.
Try as we might, we’ve looked for a scene where a man gets blasted out of a cannon in the video for Diana Ross’s Chain Reaction, but it just isn’t there.
Instead, we can get excited about seeing Russell donning a slinkly strapless black number and a red fishtail gown – both of which he’ll definitely pull off with aplomb – as he gives the armography of his life. Have that, Craig.
Most of the video requires standing on the spot, opening your arms wide and spinning round and round in circles looking fabulous. As long as he doesn’t get dizzy, we think he’ll be able to manage that. He might not be able to sing quite like the legendary singer, but we think we’ll be too distracted by the amazing hair and dresses to notice.
3. Sara Pascoe will perform Chandelier by Sia
Take away the audio and the video to Chandelier is actually more terrifying than all three seasons of Black Mirror put together. Honestly, watch it on mute, put Bernard Herrmann’s Psycho on in the background and the whole thing gets way, way more sinister.
Anyway, Chandelier surely has to be one of the hardest possible songs to both sing and dance. We don’t envy poor Sara for having to take this on in the slightest.
Before we’ve even got to the fact that then-11-year-old dancer Maddie Ziegler pulls out the splits in the original video, leaping about as if she’s possessed, Sara’s going to have to don an incredibly unforgiving nude leotard. All live on BBC1.
Not to mention all of that spinning and running around, she’ll probably be far too knackered to reach the high notes.
4. Rickie Haywood-Williams and Melvin Odoom will perform a Will Smith mash-up
Sadly the pair aren’t going to be doing Britney and Madonna after all, and Melvin has donned a conical gold bra for literally no reason.
Instead, they’re going to be Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It to a mash-up of Will Smith songs.
We’ve already seen Melvin’s moves on Strictly Come Dancing, and although he was the first to leave the show, he pulled it out of the bag and actually won the Christmas special.
We’ve got everything crossed that they’re going to give a blast of Wild Wild West, Men in Black and Miami. But surely they have to put some Fresh Prince in there as well? We need to see Melvin’s Carlton dance.
5. Harriet Thorpe and Helen Lederer will perform Dancing Queen by ABBA
Harriet and Helen have definitely drawn the long straw here.
The video for ABBA’s Dancing Queen involves little more than standing on the spot and shuffling about rather awkwardly. Agnetha and Anni-Frid don’t even do their awkward shuffling in time with one another, and the most choreographed the video gets is some synchronized pointing towards the end.
We think those are dance moves that even novices can master. Chuck in some manic hair-throwing (check out the end of the video) and their performance won’t be anything less than, wait for it, Absolutely Fabulous.
Let’s Sing and Dance for Comic Relief airs at 6.45pm on Saturday March 4 on BBC1.