Medieval Prince Harry "would have killed" William, imagines Young James Bond author – as he compares King Charles to a murdered monarch

When I thank Charlie Higson for joining me, he says, “Oh, it’s a pleasure to talk about myself!” Which is awkward, as we’re not really here to talk about him at all.

It’s not that he’s not interesting: he’s been lead singer in an 80s funk-punk band; the genius behind 90s catchphrase-jackpot The Fast Show; and the acclaimed writer of James Bond novels, children’s books and several successful TV dramas. It’s just that the subject of his new book is even more interesting – red-hot-poker-up-the-bottom interesting, in fact.

Willie, Willie, Harry, Stee is a history of our country’s kings and queens, from William I to Charles III. As Higson says, those “bemoaning the behaviour of present-day royals such as Prince Harry… [need reminding of the] alarming, violent, often sordid” stuff their predecessors got away with, including (look away now, Wills) fratricide.

Had Harry been a medieval prince, reckons Higson, “he would have killed his brother, locked his father up, taken the throne for himself, and everyone would have said, ‘Hooray! Finally, a good strong king!’ That style of monarchy would have suited him. As an ‘army chap’, he’d have promoted himself as a warrior for his country. Out of all of them, he probably would have been the one who succeeded.”

The outlook would have been less rosy for Meghan: “This idea that she’s corrupted him – turned him into a woke, Netflix-documentary-making poodle – would have seen her besmirched as a she-wolf, like Queen Isabella [of France]”. And not much better for Charles: Higson sees the current King as a modern-day Edward II (he of red-hot poker fame), whose “own wife shoved him into a castle, locked him up and murdered him. That would have been Charles’s fate”.

My conversation with Higson took place before the latest revelations concerning the King’s own errant brother, Andrew, but the author’s not shy about making criminal comparisons.

“It’s like The Godfather,” he says. “There’s this family dynasty, this appalling Mafia clan who slaughter everyone around them. But by the end of the film you’re cheering for them, because you’ve spent time with them. I think I’ve done that; it’s a kind of Stockholm syndrome. I’ve come down on the side of thinking that the monarchy is probably the least worst system of creating a head of state.

“And if the alternative is an elected head of state, you could end up with a Liz Truss or a Nigel Farage, hustling and distorting things to try and gain power.” But wouldn’t we vote for someone lovely, like President Attenborough? “He doesn’t want to be head of state! Nice people don’t. There’s a certain type who wants to fight to the top, which is what we see again and again in this book.” Ah, so it’s President Higson, is it? “No, I’d be as terrible as the rest of them.”

At least he admits to his dictatorial tendencies. Talking about the current Fast Show reunion tour, he says he and his co-stars “all get on very well”, but ascribes that to a clear hierarchy within the troupe. “One of the things about Monty Python was that no one was in charge, they were a democracy, which made them very competitive. But with The Fast Show, Paul [Whitehouse] and I were always in charge. We were like the parents of the family; we created the show, we produced it, we edited it and we put it all together.”

That’s not to say he can’t collaborate. Willie, Willie, Harry, Stee (which takes its name – shared with Higson’s podcast – from an old rhyme that lists each monarch in order) is illustrated by Jim Moir.

“He sent me the first couple of illustrations,” explains Higson, “and I could see he was thinking, ‘Oh, Charlie’s written a posh history book. I’d better try and do proper historical things’. And I said, ‘No, Jim, I wouldn’t hire you to do that. I want this to have the full Vic Reeves flavour.’”

Which it certainly does: witness the picture accompanying the chapter on Henry III.

“It’s my favourite anecdote in the book,” enthuses Higson. “Henry wins the battle, and Simon de Montfort is killed. One of Henry’s barons, a guy called Roger Mortimer, sends a gift back to his wife after the battle, and she must have been overjoyed when she opened it, because inside the box was de Montfort’s head with his testicles draped over his nose.

“An idea to bear in mind, perhaps, if you’re a bloke reading this and stuck for a Christmas present for your wife. I mean, they can be difficult to buy for…”

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