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The ultimate Only Way Is Essex phrasebook

From mugging yourself to swerving it, here is our crucial glossary of TOWIE's favourite terms...

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Published: Monday, 29th June 2015 at 3:17 pm

Even with 15 series under their belt, the TOWIE cast members are still coming up with brilliant new phrases. This year, it's all about mugging yourself and swerving others. Not quite sure what they're on about? Fear not, because is here to translate the essential TOWIE phrases so you'll never feel lost in translation again...


I can't have it - I absolutely refuse to continue this argument because it's causing me unwanted aggravation. Most often used by Tommy

Swerve it - I would advise you not to pursue that person as a love interest. Usually used in a pejorative sense, most recently by Danny about Jess

Everyone respects me - My mum respects me

You're a wrong'un - You're not a very nice person and I don't desire your friendship

Let's just see what happens - I'm absolutely, definitely going to seduce that woman/man

I've got enough agg - This argument is boring me to tears and I just want to get back to doing shots at the bar

Shut Up! - what surprising news, I should like to share with you my excitement or intrigue. Please continue, do not actually shut up.

Listen! - shut up.

At the end of the day - in conclusion/in summary/I'm stuck for words. Phrase best used mid-sentence instead of "er" while explaining one's feelings towards a person, event or situation – often implies a defensive demeanour.

Well jel - I'm envious of the product and/or service and/or situation you have, have received, or are in.

I thought we should have a little chat - stop sleeping with my girlfriend/boyfriend/parent.

Don't get me wrong - I am about to say something hugely offensive and/or politically incorrect. Often used to exhibit passive aggression.

I'm Essex's top boy - I'm known by name to most regulars in Brentwood nightspot Sugar Hut... and possibly also by the local constabulary.

A nice little bird - an attractive subservient woman. (see don't get me wrong)

We had a little kiss, it wasn't even a snog – we did a lot more than that, but it can't be discussed on a family website.

Fitty - attractive person (applies to both sexes).

The talk of Essex - a storyline currently playing out on screen.

Mate(s) - friend(s)/foe(s)/family/brand of condoms.

Get a table - arrange for champagne and sparklers to be delivered to a roped-off corner of Sugar Hut or Faces in Gant's Hill.

All it is... - I'm about to begin speaking for ten minutes without drawing breath.

It was a good night, last night, wasn't it? - exposition device. Often used to start a conversation about a fight that happened in Sugar Hut

Bee-ayve - don't be foolish.

What do you think of my boobs/teeth/bum/nose? - I'm visiting a cosmetic surgeon in this episode and may return looking substantially different.

You know what Essex is like - phrase used to justify the unjustifiable, and validate an obviously false account.

Looking nice costs money – (see What do you think of my boobs/teeth/bum/nose?)

That’s bang out of order! – it’s unfair, I tell you, very unfair.

This glossary is far from exhaustive. Knowledge is power, so if you've got some classic TOWIE-isms you'd like to share with the group, pop them in the comments section below...

TOWIE continues on Wednesdays and Fridays at 10pm on ITVBe

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