Ex-TOWIE fave Lauren Goodger and skating partner Michael Zenezini won’t be feeling very ‘reem’ after following Pamela Anderson and Matt Evers out of Dancing on Ice 2013, losing their skate-off to Anthea Turner in week two of the series. Lauren’s skate-off performance to Rescue Me didn’t exactly do what it said on the tin and it was another unanimous decision for the judges, with Jason adding in a cutting snipe, “the only way is through the back door” to Lauren. Perhaps he was well jel of her tan?
But even with this surprising exit, this week felt all too fluffy and nice. Karen Barber kept the pinched looks to a minimum, Phillip Schofield and Christine Bleakly were having little jokes, Jayne Torvill wasn’t flirting with anyone and Gareth Thomas went all elegant in his sequins and leather, taking top spot on the leader board with a commendable 22.5 points for his first skate. Have they all been watching Care Bears and hugging backstage?
Luckily – for those who tune in in the hope that someone might fall over (just a teeny bit), storm out or punch judge Jason Gardiner – the acid tongue was firmly in attendance. After telling a rather shocked Lauren Goodger that she had “all the sensuality of a walrus on ice”, Jason shot down Baroness Oona King’s performance with an unattractive comparison to bringing in a plane. Commentator Tony Gubba even got a little raucous tonight, noting that Lauren’s performance started and ended with her flat on her back, but it was left to Jason to stick the final boot in, perhaps rather bravely telling Olympic gold medal winning boxer Luke Campbell that he looked like a “little weak feeble boy” on the ice.
Joe Pasquale, hyped up in his Superman cast-offs, attempted to take on judge Jason after receiving a score of 2 by massively over-sharing on the position of his jock strap. Joe joked, “They cost about forty quid and I reckon I’ve got £15 worth stuck up my bum.” Yes, thank you Joe, it’s going to cost us much more in therapy to get rid of that image.
Karen, for once not disagreeing with Jason, got the claws out when telling Joe he had no natural ability whatsoever on the ice, which could do with being expanded after he managed to fall over and wind himself attempting to come off of the ice. What was that about not being the joke of the show, Joe? Although, having said that Joe might be pretty chuffed with his score of 5 from Pussycat Doll Ashley – surprisingly, one of her highest scores of the night.
Phillip, who should probably steer clear of all jokes about, towards, near or even remotely to do with politicians, tried to add a bit of controversy to the show by sneaking in a quick joke about politician Oona not planning on doing any u-turns. One can almost hear David Cameron’s teeth grinding.
But it was Anthea Turner who bought it back to being all sweetness and light in her first dance, finishing the first half of the show with a performance to British fave (and Golden Globe-winning), Skyfall. Even Jason’s temper melted a little, telling Anthea, “You looked beautiful out there, there were really lovely moments with the body.” Can we get some more boob flashes next week, please?