While it’s all very well and good throwing a bunch of celebrities into the jungle only for them all to get on harmoniously, we – the British public – want DRAMA. We want Lady C shouting her mouth off, we want Janice Dickinson calling Lynne Franks a shrew, and we want Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Darren Day poo-poo-ing their romance with a massive barney over a fart.
So thank goodness for tonight’s episode of I’m a Celeb which – after a full week of cosy hugs, friendly chit-chat and rousing solidarity – offered up the series’ first row, courtesy of the two newcomers…
Danny v Martin
In one corner, we have 50-something broadcaster Danny Baker. In the other, 50-something broadcaster Martin Roberts. The pair haven’t been in the camp long but they’ve already found plenty of reason to get on one another’s nerves. It all started with a bit of snoring (doesn’t it always?) as Danny fell short of his forty winks thanks to Martin who exhaled “like someone was sawing a didgeridoo in half”. The moment did afford viewers a slice of genius silent comedy as a fuming Danny dragged his bed to a different spot of floor, only to send poor Larry flying when he got up for a wee in the middle of the night.
But it was the live trial that caused the real fall out between the pair after Martin deemed Danny and his winning yellow team “pretty obnoxiously over the top-ly celebrationary”. As spirits sank on the losing blue team, he added, “I don’t give a poop that we lost. What I don’t like is a gloating winner.” It all came across like sour grapes as Danny told him to get over himself.
And things didn’t get much better for poor Martin who asked for a show of hands from everyone else fed up with the yellow team’s behaviour. It was a bold move – and one that fell flat on its face as the blues awkwardly glanced from side-to-side while Martin’s lonely fingers wiggled in the air.
Scarlett has a sob
Scarlett Moffatt is a woman of immense wisdom. Just last week she kindly informed us that “what won’t stick in your throat, won’t stick in your arse” and as Martin and Danny were bickering, she diffused the situation with a mere sentence: “It’s just a game at the end of the day.”
But after the yellow team left to enjoy their spa day prize, poor Scarlett got a bit tearful with the harmony of the last seven days hanging in the balance. “I just hate arguing,” she told Uncle Larry as he sat on his throne with her perched on his knee. “Martin just needs to chill out.”
It seemed to do the trick and it wasn’t long before others wanted in on the act. “Why have we not been doing this all the time?” asked Joel as he clambered onto the president’s knee. Forget Strictly and Len’s Lens. I’m a Celeb has Larry’s Lap.
A fishy bath
Who needs a jungle shower when you’ve got a jungle jacuzzi? That was the question on none of the blue team’s lips as they nervously approached their bathtub at the Rancid Retreat. Their loss in the live trial had landed Martin, Larry, Scarlett, Lisa, Joel and Sam an ominous afternoon in which they had to spend 30 minutes soaking in a pool of fish guts, maggots, ants and other nasties. Each stinking delivery brought with it a star earning the hungry campers another meal.
All credit to the blue team who took their disgusting dip in good spirits – “everyone seemed to bizarrely enjoy the experience,” exclaimed a bewildered Martin – before heading back to camp to hear all about the yellows’ luxurious spa day…
Joel gets a promotion
With Larry’s tenure as president sadly coming to an end, the public took to the polls and elected a reality star to the highest office (sound familiar?). Vice President Scarlett became the camp’s new leader with funnyman Joel elevated from the ranks to serve as her deputy. “It’s nice to think that people are thinking about me,” he beamed as he rather sweetly reflected on his victory in the Bush Telegraph.
You can always rely on the I’m a Celeb viewers to weed out the stragglers and put them through a gruelling Bushtucker trial. After watching Martin trudge through his first few days with a low morale and on very little food (the man doesn’t like beans OR rice), we went and voted him our representative at Hell Hollow – a tree trunk cave filled with unfriendly reptiles. Because we’re nice like that.
C’mon Martin, prove us all wrong.