Revealed: the hilariously insulting Donald Trump jokes that would have been in Charlie Brooker’s 2017 Wipe

Writer Jason Hazeley reveals some of the things that may have been said about the US President had the New Year's Eve review show not been cancelled at the last minute

Donald Trump (Getty, EH)

For Charlie Brooker fans, the last-minute cancellation of his 2017 Wipe was a blow.


He made the decision just over four weeks before his regular satirical review of the year was due to air on New Year’s Eve, because he was too busy. “Contrary to my optimistic delusions it turns out I can’t do 400 things at once,” he explained.

But now some of the many, many insults that would have been made about a certain President Donald Trump have been revealed, thanks to one of the show’s writers Jason Hazeley.

“Someone trick or treating as Paddy Ashdown,” was one possible description of the US president according to Hazeley’s notes. “Your first girlfriend’s horrible Dad,” was another – try reading them in Charlie Brooker’s voice if its not coming across loud and clear.

People of a certain age and fond memories of certain 1980s kids shows may be tickled by “a cross between Silvio Berlusconi and Boss Hogg”. And they may also enjoy the slightly pithier “Gropey Doo,” “Buzz Shiteyear” or “Worzel Gummidge after a spa weekend”.

Some of the choicer insults are probably too rude to repeat before the watershed, while others may have been a bit of a mouthful.

We’re thinking, for example, of “the American Boris Johnson, but like their milkshakes, the American version is much, much thicker – and even worse for you”.

The burns keep coming: “A guinea pig in a Toby Jug,” “the evil Beach Boy”, “Hitler Simpson” and “a fist fill of straw” spring off the page.

You can see the full – explicit – list below.


Still, as the 45th President continues his controversial visit to the UK and given Trump’s thunderous denunciation of Prime Minister Theresa May ahead of their meeting on Friday, one wonders whether some British officials will be muttering them under their breath…