Joey Essex rose to fame on ITV2 reality show The Only Way is Essex, before wowing us with his interesting approach to life in last year’s series of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!
Basically, what we discovered while Joey was in the jungle is that he only learns the things he really needs to in life.
Telling the time on an actual clock? No point. He’s got it on his phone, right? Blowing his nose? No need to do it the professional way, he never learnt. He’s got his own technique.
But away from the jungle, TOWIE, cameras and fans, what are Joey’s life lessons that we all need to know? In his first autobiography, Being Reem, Mr Essex explains…
1. Wear socks inside out – “I don’t like the seams on my foot so I’d rather it was the other way round.”
2. Iron your money – “You don’t want to take crunched-up £20 notes out to a club do you? They need to look good.”
3. Smile as much as possible – “Mainly when you go shopping. It would be such a happy world wouldn’t it? If you smile it makes you happy, so avocados.”
4. When it comes to girls, no tattoos – “Unless it was of a Furby.”
5. If you can’t remember someone’s name call them Ashley – “The trick is to mumble it so they can hardly understand what you’re saying. And Ashley is a name that works for a boy or a girl.”
6. Jeans can be too skinny – “I’ve had jeans that were way too tight. Sometimes I’ve taken them off in the middle of the street because they hurt so much.”
7. You can’t always be around. If you got to Joey’s store Fusey, don’t always expect to meet him – “If you go to Nike you can’t always meet ‘Nike’ can you?”
8. Be in it to win it – “A reem person should always come at least first or second in a race. If you don’t, then don’t tell anyone because it doesn’t count in your collection of trophies.”
9. You can’t run from your problems past the age of 16 – “Run away from people who tell you off. But only from between the ages of 11 and 16, that’s the running age.”
10. A mug is a better gift than flowers – “Flowers go after a week. A mug is better than flowers, it’s much more thoughtful. Flowers are usually bought for arguments or Valentine’s.”
11. Don’t get rabies – “No one reem gets rabies because it means they’ll end up foaming from the mouth and look like they’ve had a bubble bath.”
12. Don’t get your Beatles in a muddle – “Michael was not in the Beatles.”
13. Brush up on religion – “Jesus’s mum is called Mary not Zesus.”
14. Know your politics – “The prime minister isn’t called Gordon Ramsay and there isn’t a prime minister of Essex.”
15. Learn big words – “Manifesto isn’t men having a party.”
Being Reem by Joey Essex is on sale today published by Hodder & Stoughton, £16.99