This week’s X Factor press conference revealed how the contestants look now – they’re not ordinary people any more. Oh no. They’re celebrities, with top celebrity stylists on tap to keep them on trend.
Or, do they mostly look bloody awful? Let’s have a look…
Amelia hasn’t stood out enough up to now, but this attempted revamp is a misfire. Her platinum hair, dark eyes and fuchsia lips have been replaced by a funny pink rinse and a dress made from the backing of a large sheet of sticky-backed plastic. She looks like she should be in Coronation Street having a frustrating relationship with Steve McDonald.
Pretty much the same apart from the show’s hair stylists somehow giving her greasy ends and a dry, electrified crown. Janet’s not really here to provide glamour, though. She’s 10. It wouldn’t be right. Good brogues – at first I thought someone had taken her ten-pin bowling as a special treat – but the white, brown and black combo resembles a hastily constructed Traid window display.
Quite reserved by Misha’s standards but still pretty corking. Power-bun hair, power-puff shoulders, vulcanised boots and a skirt made from a child’s duvet. Welcome to Earth, Misha!
The most forgettable contestant throws in the towel from the outset by turning up in jeans and a top, as if she’s on the way to Morrison’s to get a few bits. In 1997. Want to get the Sophie Habibis look? You can’t: Etam and C&A have closed down.
No, no, no! This is simply a disaster. Frankie is clearly from the 1970s and should be chasing housewives in a mustard-coloured shirt with long, pointy collars, and a kipper tie. Possibly some tartan trousers. Or overalls. Not this. I think those trousers are from the Uniqlo women’s section… wait! Perhaps Frankie was caught “on the job” and, in his haste to get dressed and shin down a drainpipe, he put on his conquest’s clobber by mistake! That would explain why his top’s too small for him as well. And he looks tired. Frankie, I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
Craig’s gone on a crash diet. “It is pure protein and nutrition, there are no carbs,” he says. “I’ve lost a stone in a week.” Craig’s also managed to stop the X Factor stylists lopping off his trademark Beatles moptop. Stop the moptoplop! Admittedly they’ve rejigged it a bit with the result that it looks like a slipped wig, but still. There’s a bit of a 60s vibe to the jacket and shoes as well, although the Revolver t-shirt’s hammering it home rather.
Dull. This is just some clothes. The only point of note – apart from that alarmingly low crotch. Look at it! There’s a good two feet of vertical seam action there – is that James has lost his hat, giving full rein to his curly wet merkin hair. Bring back the hat!
Good work. People don’t wear enough grey, snuggly jumpers on TV talent contests. Ideally Marcus will wear his big grey snuggly jumper throughout the live shows, including in the final during his duet with Rihanna, by which time it will be threadbare and stinking. Liking those terracotta chinos, too – people don’t wear enough etc.
Egad! Scary Kitty really doesn’t let us down with this kerrazy get-up. Everything’s in place: the fixed grimace; the shorter hair and too-revealing top which, combined, are like a bad wet dream involving Ivy Tilsley; the random, printed-sack skirt; the Cruella de Vil shoes. Brilliantly awful.
The t-shirt’s good but otherwise this is quite lazy. In fact, the t-shirt is spelling out what’s going wrong elsewhere: Johnny needs to glam it right up. Whatever the opposite of a knock-off Adidas trackie top is, that’s what Johnny needs to be wearing.
Size-18 Samantha wore some shockers during the auditions, which made her look a lot bigger than she really is. This maxi dress is a big improvement on that score, but the denim waistcoat is the sort of thing Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances would wear. Burn it.
Again, just clothes.
Very good indeed. The – let’s face the facts here – superhot Essex girls keep it classy in lacy, streamlined black, with a nice ying/yang thing going on as the blonde one covers up whichever bits of her legs the dark one leaves bare.
Baseball shoes. Er, a big pair of glasses. Um, that’s it. Boring. Looks like the stylist forgot Nu Vibe existed and had to dash to the high street five minutes before everything closed.
Nicely thematic, this: a total bloody mess that doesn’t hang together at all, just like their singing. Is that a rosette? Are they a thing now?
Some clothes, yesterday.
What do you think of the makeovers? Let us know in the comments below… and don’t miss Jack Seale’s weekly LIVE X Factor blog, from tomorrow night.