If you thought this weekend was all about red roses and candlelit dinners, think again. We don't want to alarm you, or spoil that romantic groove, but we think it's only fair to tell you... the Zombie Apocalypse is coming this Sunday.
What? How has this happened?
You know 4G, the thing phone companies want you to upgrade to so they can take a little bit more of your monthly salary? Well, now there's this thing called 5G. It's wifi that makes our phones work, like, really well, but being able to update our Facebook statuses in super-fast speed has unfortunately come with a side order of DNA mutation.
First there was a rise in unprovoked violent behaviour, then riots. The government did ban all smart phones (did you not get the memo?) but we are sad to say the damage has already been done. The 'Zombie Virus' has spread. Life on earth is over as we know it.
Oh God. Are we all going to die?
No. Don't worry. We're actually just talking about a new TV show which launches on BBC3 this Sunday.
So there aren't any zombies?
Oh, there are zombies. Bus loads of them, with red eyes, exposed flesh and grinding teeth, all running wild around an old abandoned shopping centre called Monroe Village in Scotland.
But there aren't any people there. The zombies are on their own, right?
Wrong. 10 healthy members of the public are also there.
Who are they?
There are all sorts. From 56-year-old granny Jackie, Lady Gaga nut Thom and 32-year-old dad Luke to smily 20-year-old Megan, who just wants to prove to the world that she's really a tough cookie.
Wait, what are they doing there?
I'm glad you asked. The Army has taken over control of the UK and Monroe Shopping Village is a designated rescue point. The army used to be based here, but they had to abandon the area when it was overrun by zombies. These lucky 5G survivors are waiting to be helicoptered to safety and one of the Global Tropical Quarantine areas. All they have to do is stay alive for the next seven days...
How will they survive that long?
They are being monitored by the Army's Infection Surveillance Unit who will be helping them.
But what about all the zombies?
Yeah. The highly infectious killer zombies. That's where this all gets a bit tricky. The survivors can't just cower inside, either. They've got to go on missions around the shopping centre to collect vital supplies. It's like a giant, terrible game of tag. But if you get touched, you're not just out, you also die a horrible death.
So this is kind of like a really cruel reality show?
It's a zombie film, a game show and a reality TV format all rolled into one. Shaun of the Dead meets The Crystal Maze. All the survivors live in one room with basic rations for seven days, and carry out tasks as they are instructed to by the Infection Surveillance Unit. The good news? The Global Tropical Quarantine area is actually code for a fancy tropical holiday.
Does it have a host?
Yes it does. Thankfully BBC presenter Greg James has also made it through the Zombie Apocalypse unscathed and is on hand to lead us through this dark and desperate land.
Can I watch a trailer?
Of course, you can. Enjoy.
I Survived a Zombie Apocalypse starts on Sunday at 10:00pm on BBC3