1. When the ad break comes on and I realise I paused the programme at the start to have a wee so can speed through them.


2. When a trailer comes on for the new series of something I LOVE (Downton, Bake Off) and it says Coming Soon. Oooh, mysterious.

3. When there’s no one else in and I can turn it up really loud whenever they start singing in Glee.

4. When other people are there and I can passively aggressively pause MY programme when people are talking. The pause button might as well make this noise “hm”.

5. When my Sky+ box won’t come on and then I pull the plug out, put it back in, exercise patience and tada! My evening is back on track. And I feel like a smug electrician.

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6. Recognising my things on the telly. I clapped when my duvet cover appeared on the film Looper. I’ve also seen my top on Mo Butcher and my mixer on Bake Off – though to be fair, I copied both of them.

7. When the person I’m watching telly with falls asleep and I can turn over.

8. When the person I’m watching telly with picks something boring and I can have a nap.

9. Getting any Pointless answers. Especially if I get a “Well done” from Richard.

10. When I remember to record a programme I know my fella will like. I’m going to earn well on that.

11. When the local traffic report comes on and it’s horrendous but I’m not going anywhere.

12. When an actor pops up on a show and no one else can remember their name but me (a lot of these are about me being smug, I’ve realised that).

13. When Jaws is on again and I haven’t missed the eyeball hanging out of the man’s head bit.

14. When I’m in control of the knobs (that’s what we call the remotes, honestly)

15. When we found the DVD remote that had been lost for about two months. It was in a carrier bag with an apple. Apple was totally still edible. Didn’t though. Obviously.

16. Watching Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model while eating chips.

17. Watching Jamie Oliver’s “Healthy Healthy Health Health” while eating biscuits.

18. Watching “Britain’s Fattest Man” while eating a takeaway Greggs.

19. Watching something my partner chose and exaggerating how much I don’t like it, so I get to pick two programmes next time.

20. When someone comes round and I remember to sit in my seat really quickly so they don’t think all of the seats are up for grabs.


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