In today’s digital world it feels like we’re closer than ever to our celebrity heroes. In the past, following celebrities every minute of the day might have resulted in a fun afternoon in Southwark Crown Court, but thanks to social media it’s positively encouraged.
You can now find out what Greg Rutherford had for breakfast, what David Mitchell did on his weekend and what Amanda Abbington would say to people who take photos in the theatre. It feels like we’re hanging with our famous pals every day.
But let’s be honest – it’s all a fiction. It’s high time we grew up and realised that there’s only one way to get celebs to be your friend/hang out in your general vicinity: cold hard cash. With that in mind, we’ve assembled a shoppers’ guide to the famous, catering for every budget…
Here’s what you can get for…
…the price of a Nando’s – have Dave Benson Phillips to entertain your kids
In a bid to promote his idea for a touring kid’s show, the former host of CBBC classic Get Your Own Back has published a list of items he would be willing to exchange for performances, including a chicken dinner at Nando’s.
£15 – a birthday message from Shane Richie
Sure, spending your birthday with your loved ones has its moments – but have those nonentities ever pulled a pint in the Queen Vic? I think not. And, thanks to website celebvm.com, for just 15 quid Alfie Moon himself will wish you happy birthday in a short video message recorded on a wobbly hand-held smartphone.
$100 (£60) – David Hasselhoff to welcome your child into the world
Armed with a litany of Hoff-related puns, a wardrobe of his classic costumes and an oddly superfluous parrot, the Hoff will send a video to welcome your newborns or celebrate birthdays and will even deliver vaguely erotic messages to your loved ones – again thanks to celebvm.com.
$400 (£240) – Avril Lavigne to stand near you
— Alter The Press! (@AlterThePress) May 4, 2014
The amount fans paid at a meet-and-greet last year apparently didn’t cover physical contact with the Canadian singer-songwriter, resulting in some endearingly forced photographs.
£2,000 – Theo Paphitis to open a building for you
The entrepreneur and erstwhile Dragon picked up the cash from Newark and Sherwood Council for opening the local Business Innovation Centre. A nice bit of pocket money for the multi-millionaire.
£6,500 – Brian Blessed to attend your staff awards
The booming-voiced actor and adventurer was paid to appear at an Essex company’s “You Make a Difference” staff awards, the Daily Telegraph reported in 2010. Not included: the medical costs for employees’ shattered eardrums.
$15,000 (£9,000) – Aaron Paul to come to your music festival
The Breaking Bad star asked this much to attend the Coachella music festival this year – maybe the crystal meth business has taken a downturn?
$600,000 (£365,000)– Kim Kardashian to come to your New Year’s Eve party
Kim rang in the New Year in 2012 with the sound of cash registers at a party in Las Vegas. The guests must have been unable to believe their luck; most hosts only stretch to a few party poppers.
$1,000,000 (£608,000) – Elton John to play at your birthday party…
The piano maestro picked up the fee for a turn at right-wing American commentator Rush Limbaugh’s wedding in 2010. It’s Your Song – for a price.
…or Beyonce to sing for you
The singer was criticised for performing for members of Muammar Gaddafi’s family, and eventually donated the fee to charity. Luckily, Beyonce has built up enough affection worldwide to carry her through any number of tyrant soirées.
$6,000,000 (£3,640,000)– the Eagles to play Hotel California for you
An unknown benefactor paid the band this much to play just one song – which works out at around $1,000,000 per minute.
$7,000,000 (£4,250,000)– the Rolling Stones to play at your party
You Can’t Always Get What You Want – but clearly a few million quid helps, as Texan investor David Bonderman proved in 2002 when he hired the band for his 60th.