How many times have you been to Glastonbury?
Joe: We’ve been lots of times. We started covering it for BBC3…
Adam: Or BBC Choice, as it was called then.
Joe: And then we said something dreadful and were banned for five years.
You were banned for insulting Rolf Harris. How could you?
Adam: It was a different kind of Big British Castle in those days. They constructed a bar for us – The Adam & Joe Bar – and filled it with real booze. So we drank it all. Then we did some very sloppy drunk coverage for them. That couldn’t happen any more and I’m glad that it couldn’t because that kind of world is a sick, dirty world. But now we’re back.
Which acts are you looking forward to?
Adam: The Wombles. I’m very excited to meet a Womble.
Joe: I would be terrified because one of the Wombles might rip its head off and Rolf would be inside, so desperate to get revenge he’s skinned and gutted a Womble and smuggled himself into the festival…
Wombles aside, who would you like to bump into backstage?
Joe: The Wu Tang Clan. I feel I’ve an affinity with Wu Tang: I think in rap; I’m an amazing beatboxer and we had very similar upbringings, social influences, tough lives…
Adam: It would be nice to have a little flirty time with Gwyneth Paltrow.
Joe: Will she be there? Her husband Chris Martin’s going to be there with Coldplay.
Adam: She might sing. She does a lot of singing these days, I hear. Why doesn’t she do a set?
Joe: Because she’d be egged.
Adam: No, she wouldn’t. Everybody would absolutely love it.
Joe: I think she’d be egged.
This year’s headliners are U2, Coldplay and Beyoncé. Who would you rather cosy up to round the campfire?
Joe: Well, it’s hard to get cosy with Bono. He’s quite issues-based, isn’t he?
Adam: Yes, he’s a firebrand. He would be proselytising around the fire, I imagine.
Joe: Beyoncé is very cosy. But the second any sort of music starts, she’ll start shaking it around the place.
Adam: That’s nice.
Joe: That’s unnerving. She’s angry about men as well, isn’t she? That’s what her latest single is about. So I would cuddle up with Coldplay.
Adam: What?! They’re very angular.
Joe: They’re the nation’s favourites. You could have a really good hug with Chris Martin.
What’s in your festival kit?
Joe: I like to bring some fruit, some fruity snacks. I have never suffered sunstroke or trench foot at Glastonbury, but I have had scurvy. It’s very easy to get scurvy.
Adam: I get rickets whenever I’m at Glastonbury.
When night falls, where will we find you – propping up the cider bus, bopping in the dance tents or communing with the hippies in the stone circle?
Adam: When night falls, you will find me in my hotel room in a nice bed, watching the coverage on television – which is a great way of avoiding festivals. That’s Buxton’s top tip: stay warm and watch it on TV.
Joe: I will be naked in the fields, dancing around, flapping my willy about.
Adam: I was joking before about the hotel. I’m going to be on the Tor because that’s what it’s all about: watching the sunrise on the Tor.
Joe: It’s nice to see the early morning sun through another man’s legs.
What’s so special about Glastonbury?
Adam: A lot of people put aside their toiletries for a number of days and just enjoy each other’s smells.
Joe: The best thing about Glastonbury is the hippy willies. If I could see a Womble willy this year, that would really be the cherry on the cake.
Adam: Wouldn’t a Womble willy be more or less the same as their face?
Joe: Yes. But without the eyes.