I'm Vicky Pattison and this is why we need to stop saying 'geriatric pregnancy' and make egg freezing more affordable

This article first appeared in Radio Times magazine.

In my 20s, I was very ambitious. Having babies wasn’t a priority. What’s more, I wasn’t the person I am now. I’m the daughter of an alcoholic and you can’t discount the impact an unstable childhood – the years of chaos – has on your life. As a young adult, I had toxic relationships and my heart broken several times. I’ve spent many years in therapy to be the person I am today.

I wasn’t ready to be a mother, even in my early 30s. Biologically that’s unfair, and that isn’t going to go away without medical advances. But we can do something about the judgement surrounding women who choose to become mothers later in life.

When Hilary Swank had twins at the age of 48 she was deemed irresponsible and people questioned how much time the Oscar-winning actor would be able to spend with her children. I felt furious on her behalf because when Robert De Niro became a father again at 79, and Al Pacino at 83, their situation was normalised, even though they have more than 30 years on Swank.

We need to stop criticising and undermining women and, instead, celebrate their choices, whether that’s having children at 20, waiting until later in life, finding alternative routes to motherhood or remaining child-free.

Last year, in the UK, 19 per cent of births were to women aged 35 to 39. Perhaps this shouldn’t be a surprise: as well as the challenge of building a career and a stable relationship, many women come out of university with crippling loans, while housing costs are phenomenal. There’s a long tail to having a baby – we’re closing gender pay gaps but the invisible workload for women when it comes to domestic life remains outrageous.

Three years ago, with the support of my husband, Ercan Ramadan, I decided to be proactive and freeze my eggs for when the time was right. At 35, biologically, I still felt like I was in my prime. That was the first time I heard “geriatric” – the term for a pregnancy occurring any time after a woman is 35.

Being told I had geriatric eggs made me imagine my little eggs swimming around my fallopian tubes with walkers, doing bingo. Having them referred to as geriatric is heartbreaking. It’s misogynistic language and I think it’s deliberate, adding to the hysteria and fear. It’s more difficult to have a baby at 40 than 30, but that irresponsible language doesn’t help anyone.

The term is just one aspect of the medical misogyny that plagues the NHS. I’ve struggled for decades with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which manifests itself in different ways but, for me, it’s debilitating, causing exhaustion, lethargy, anxiety, brain fog, hopelessness and dark thoughts. Yet I was dismissed and told I was overreacting before I was finally diagnosed five years ago.

I hope that by using my platform – I’ve met with Health Secretary Wes Streeting on the issue – we will be able to improve resources and funding, and encourage people to foster empathy and understanding for women.

I feel passionately that egg freezing should be more affordable and we should be more open about the process. Women deserve to have security and a back-up plan. But I received an awful lot of judgement for my decision, with comments online like, “Just get on with it!” or, “If he doesn’t want to have a kid with you now, he’s never going to want to”.

In my new E4 documentary, Vicky Pattison: Maybe, Baby?, Ercan and I consider our future and explore different routes to parenthood. We speak to a woman who had children via a surrogate and another who chose to adopt. It’s lovely to see these alternative routes celebrated, rather than hidden in the shadows.

Ultimately, we need more compassion for women, whatever they choose to do and at whatever stage they choose to do it. We need more understanding, empathy and honest conversations.

Vicky Pattison: Maybe, Baby? is on Tuesday 31 March at 9pm and Wednesday 1 April at 9:10pm on E4.

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