The Cats trailer features an all-star cast of digitally rendered, disturbing valley humanoid cats — and to be honest, we’re terrified.
The haunting two-minute spectacle is the world’s first-look at Tom Hooper’s adaptation of the acclaimed musical, based on TS Eliot’s poetry collection Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats. Hooper has miniaturised (and furry-fied) the film’s cast so that they’re allegedly all the size of real-life cats onscreen, surrounded by a larger-than-life sets.
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And while the nightmarish adaptation won’t be in cinemas until Christmas, we have so many questions…
Why are Jennifer Hudson and Judi Dench wearing fur coats?
Oscar winners Judi Dench and Jennifer Hudson play iconic characters Old Deuteronomy (the wise cat leader) and Grizabella (she of “Memory” fame) — but their onscreen appearances, each dressed inexplicably in thick fur coats over their own fur, bring to mind another iconic character of the silver screen: Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.
The saying goes that there’s more than one way to skin a cat — just as this trailer has taught us that there are a thousand ways to leave viewers on the verge of gouging their eyes out.
— Flora Carr
Why do the cats have human noses and breasts?
If Netflix’s Jungle Book adaptation taught us anything, it’s that audiences don’t respond well to human faces on animals. Clearly Tom Hooper didn’t see Mowgli, judging by the harrowing, taxidermy-mutant vibe he’s opted for in Cats. The same rule should apply in the edit studio when faced with sexualised felines with two furry humanoid breasts, which will leave viewers unaroused and mildly haunted.
— Flora Carr
Is there anyone who isn’t in the movie?
Among all the fur-ore (sorry!) about how deranged the cats themselves look, everyone seems to have totally overlooked the fact that Jason Derulo, who once sang the lyrics, “Been round the world don’t speak the language/But that booty don’t need explaining” is now starring in a film alongside Dame Judi Dench. The acting legend is in good company with screen icon Sir Ian McKellen, but they’re joined by a seemingly random mishmash of actors, singers and dancers including Taylor Swift, Francesca Hayward and chat show host James Corden (above).
Ladies and gentlemen, we truly have entered an age of anarchy.
Will Jason Derulo sing “Jason Derulooo” during Memory?
“Whatcha Say” maestro Jason Derulo has always had a habit of tunefully introducing himself in his songs (see below) – so who’s to say Cats will be any different?
We can picture it now – halfway through Jennifer Hudson’s searing, heart-wrenching and Oscar-baiting take on Memory, a slight pause, a breath in the song, is all he needs before he croons: “Jason Derulo.”
Or maybe that should be Jason De-Mew-lo…
— Huw Fullerton
It’s what certificate?
What are the BBFC playing at?! This demented horror film about cat people who lurk about in graveyards and wear each others’ skins has been classified a U! Children are allowed to see it! It should be an 18 with a special warning about disturbing scenes.
If their parents are irresponsible enough to let them go, there’s going to be a whole generation of kids in need of counselling. “He’s a Cats kid,” people will say. “Ah, that explains it,” will come the knowing reply.
What the hell do humans look like in Cats world?
Even if humans don’t actually appear in the Cats movie, they clearly exist – because evidence of their civilisation is everywhere: knives and forks and feather beds and massive costume jewellery. So we have to wonder: in the warped alternative universe of Cats, are… are humans still human-shaped? If so, why aren’t they seriously freaked out by their mini human-shaped cats and their tiny little heads? Or is this a world where the cats are human-shaped and the humans are massive scaled-up cats? The implications are huge.
—Eleanor Bley Griffiths
Did James Corden spit at Victoria?
We’re not sure what’s worse: James Corden recreating the Lady Gaga meat dress or James Corden as an all-singing top hat-wearing feline. What we do know is we can’t un-see the furred-up chat show host spitting at Victoria for no apparent reason. At first we thought he was coughing up a fur ball, which for a cat would be justified, but no, he’s full on spitting at her.
I guess one thing’s for sure – not everyone will be coughing up the cash to see this nightmare-inducing film at the cinema.
Has Tom Hooper ever seen a cat before?
The old adage says size matters, and when it comes to Cats it really does because Tom Hooper doesn’t seem to understand basic mathematics. Last time we looked, cats – even kittens – had heads bigger than the handle of a knife or fork. But Hooper’s disturbing creatures could fit snugly on a saucer yet are still big enough to not look lost on a dining chair. The whole optical illusion gets even more confusing when Rebel Wilson’s cat character gets her hand stuck in a mouse trap, which if true to scale would mean mice are bigger than cats. Big? Small? Who cares? We do. A lot.
Cats is released on Friday 20th December 2019 in the UK and USA