There are three types of people in the world. There are people who have smartphones. There are people who don’t, on account of financial poverty. And there are those who could afford a smartphone but enjoy telling anyone who asks: “I have no need of such things. I have my trusty landline, a sense of direction and a tongue in my head. I’d rather die than get one of those blasted things.”
And die they do. Statistics prove those people are always found murdered in lonely back streets because they became disoriented, had no phone map to consult and nothing to hand over when the mugger said: “Give me your phone.”
The other day I was reading a website devoted to technology (called Gizmodo, since you ask) and it informed me about a new app for smart-phones, which struck me as so outlandish that I assumed it was made-up. But it wasn’t.
So this week I have a small test for you. All of the following apps are invented by me, except the real one, which is exactly as the website wrote it up. Can you identify the real one?*
The alarm-clock app that wakes skiers early for freshly fallen snow! This app uses your location to download local weather information. Before falling asleep the night before, users specify two different alarms: a normal wake time, and a “let’s beat everyone to the slopes” wake time. If the forecast shows that it has snowed sufficiently during the night, the earlier alarm will be triggered giving you a head start on everyone else heading up the mountain.
This app monitors your pace as you run and automatically selects tracks to match your own beats per minute. If you’re going great guns, the Ministry of Sound can accompany you. Feeling the heat? The app will slow right down to the Carpenters or even the super-slow Radio 3 setting. Not to be used by people with pacemakers or with polka songs.
For bemused new parents everywhere. Out and about and wondering whether baby has gone number one or two? No more embarrassing nappy sniffing thanks to this ground-breaking app. Just take a pic of baby’s face, and the app will let you know which by displaying a large “1” or “2”. Has a 95 per cent accuracy rate, and optional sound effects.
Smartphones can already instantly translate phrases into almost every language, but this app goes further. When a friend or colleague is too drunk to make sense, just get them to mumble incoherently into your phone. The app handles all known drunken phrases including: “I love you, you’re my best mate”; “I should never have married you”; and “Seriously, where are my car keys, I’m fine”.
Ground-breaking app that does away with having to carry personal samples to your GP. Just break wind near your phone sensor and this app will be able to identify not only what you ate the night before, but also help your doctor diagnose up to 30 illnesses.
Eddie Mair presents PM Monday to Friday at 5:00pm and iPM on Saturdays at 5:45am on Radio 4