The Only Way Is Essex: series four phrasebook

Do you know your vajazzle from your reem? Here's a guide to some of the terms used in ITV2's TOWIE...

The Only Way Is Essex: series four phrasebook
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There may have been an exodus of cast members in the past year, but millions of little Britons will still tune in to watch the antics of Sam Faiers, Arg, Joey Essex and company over the coming weeks - but how many of them actually have a clue what the fake-tanned reality superstars are going on about?  

Well, if ahead of the fourth series you're one of the silent majority who are now too embarrassed to ask, never fear: is here with your essential Essex phrasebook...

Shut Up! - what surprising news, I should like to share with you my excitement or intrigue. Please continue, do not actually shut up.

At the end of the day - in conclusion/in summary/I'm stuck for words.  Phrase best used mid-sentence instead of "er" while explaining one's feelings towards a person, event or situation - often implies a defensive demeanour.

Well jel - I'm envious of the product and/or service and/or situation you have, have received, or are in.

I thought we should have a little chat - stop sleeping with my girlfriend/boyfriend/parent.

Don't get me wrong - I am about to say something hugely offensive and/or politically incorrect.  Often used to exhibit passive aggression. 

I'm Essex's top boy - I'm known by name to most regulars in Brentwood nightspot Sugar Hut...and possibly also by the local constabulary.

A nice little bird - an attractive subservient woman. (see don't get me wrong)

We had a little kiss, it wasn't even a snog – we did a lot more than that, but it can't be discussed on a family website. 

Fitty - attractive person (applies to both sexes).

Vajazzle - decorated genitalia. Less prevalent since the exit of Amy Childs from the show. (see All about Amy on Channel 5 for more details)

Reem - pleasing/cool (may make you well jel if you covet said item).  

The talk of Essex - a storyline currently playing out on screen.

Mate(s) - friend(s)/foe(s)/family/brand of condoms.

Get a table - arrange for champagne and sparklers to be delivered to a roped-off corner of Sugar Hut or Faces in Gant's Hill.

Listen! - shut up.

All it is... - I'm about to begin speaking for ten minutes without drawing breath.

It was a good night, last night, wasn't it? - exposition device.  Most commonly used by Mick Norcross.

Bee-ayve - don't be foolish.

What do you think of my boobs/teeth/bum/nose? - I'm visiting a cosmetic surgeon in this episode and may return looking substantially different.

You know what Essex is likephrase used to justify the unjustifiable, and validate an obviously false account.

Looking nice costs money – (see What do you think of my boobs/teeth/bum/nose?)

That’s bang out of order! – it’s unfair, I tell you, very unfair.

This glossary is far from exhaustive. Knowledge is power, so if you've got some classic TOWIE-isms you'd like to share with the group, pop them in the comments section below... 

The Only Way is Essex returns on ITV2 tonight at 10pm