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The week in soapland

Calvin (Ricky Whittle) and Warren (Jamie Lomas)
  • Posted at 4:00pm
  • 01 May 2009
  • by GarethMcLean-RT

Hollyoaks

There are many bad apples in Hollyoaks, but only one that's rotten to the core. Warren Fox has caused so much misery to so many people - Russ, Mercedes, Ste, Cindy, the Barneses, the Deans and don't forget Justin - it's a wonder the villagers haven't ganged up, Murder on the Orient Express-style, and offed him. After all, there's no-one as smart as Hercule Poirot to solve the case. Except possibly Tom Cunningham. One man has had enough of Warren's villainy and that man is Calvin Valentine. (Would you be quaking in your boots? Nor me.) Still, Calvin is intent on justice, or possibly revenge. With support from useless Leo, who's incensed that silly Sasha is bewitched by Warren, PC Valentine endeavours to extract and record a confession of murder - of Sean Kennedy - from his drunken nemesis. Murky plots indeed.

EastEnders

Another week, another Mitchell family occasion and Roxy has her hands full with Amy's christening. With Phil off the rails, Ronnie running riot and Jack harrumphing about like a monkey with a migraine, Roxy must be wishing she'd left for that new life in Dagenham after all. Mother-to be Heather, take note…At least Tanya has a chance at some happiness as a dishy new doctor (aren't they all?) shows an interest that's more than medicinal. How long until Max tries to ruin it? A whole ten minutes! Meanwhile, Nick milks Billy's guilt over Jase. Don't know about you, but I'm bored already.

Coronation Street

It's not just the evil men do that lives after them - it's their inability to keep their trousers on. When it comes to self-delusion, Ken takes the biscuit, claims the cake and wolfs down the éclair. Nursing the notion that he's been thwarted by life, he decides to leave Deirdre to sail off into the sunset - or possibly Runcorn - with Martha. All these years and Ken still doesn't realise it's not Deirdre who's the dead weight in his life, it's he himself. With a Barlow aboard her barge, Martha may be sunk - but those he leaves behind might realise they're better off without him.

Emmerdale

As the hoo-ha over the Home Farm footpath reaches fever pitch - try to contain yourselves - Pollard and David are pitted against each other, with surprising results. Of course, behind every posturing man there's a woman puppeteer. Sure enough, Val and Leyla are pulling the strings. Pulling a fast one, meanwhile, is Mark. Having roused Natasha's suspicions, he finds himself under surveillance by his wife and her improbable new ally, Debbie. Look out Cagney and Lacey. Or perhaps not.

The Archers by Alison Graham

There's another Shakespearean tragedy playing itself out in Ambridge, as our own, rather shopworn Julius Caesar, Matt Crawford, is stabbed in the back by Brutus himself - Brian Aldridge. Matt is ousted in a Borsetshire Land coup and, though he refuses to budge, insisting he will stay on the board, along comes Brian with the killer blow. Brian is quickly anointed chairman, but Lilian, our gin-soaked Calpurnia, is furious when she realises that sister Jennifer has been involved in the revolution. Lilian swears she can never forgive her sibling, but I don't believe it for a moment, because who else could possibly accompany Lilian on her many shopping trips? It's not like either Lilian or Jennifer has anything else to do, or so it seems, and besides, there's nothing like cooing over an Underwood's cashmere cardie together to heal a family rift. On a lighter note, things are looking up romantically for Ambridge's Warren Beatty, Mike Tucker, who's taking new girlfriend Vicky on a date to a posh restaurant. Susan Carter, who needs no excuse to behave like an over-solicitous mother in a Jane Austen novel, gives Mike some fashion and dating tips.

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