Radio Times

As jaws drop at the revelation of the identity of Heather's baby's father in EastEnders - which is to say, little Darren, who clearly isn't so little any more - you might wonder how, and indeed why, the soap came up with such an odd coupling.

"Who's the daddy?" is, of course, a soap staple; the mystery of who sired Michelle Fowler's baby perplexed audiences in 1985, until baby Vicki was revealed to be the daughter of Dirty Den.

EastEnders producer Diederick Santer explains that the story of the unlikely one-night stand between 18-year-old chancer Darren with perennial...

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Coronation Street

The problem with issuing an ultimatum is that you have to be prepared for whoever you threaten to jump the other way, so to speak. Carla might like to consider this.

After she threatens to reveal Tony Gordon's murderous ways to Maria unless he skips Weatherfield, Tony is so reluctant to capitulate that he plans instead to have Carla killed by the ever-obliging Jimmy. Just as baby Liam is being blessed, too. Welcome to the world, little man!

Elsewhere, Luke plots to scarper with Rosie's fortune - highlighting the problem of a fool and their money. And...

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Coronation Street

If there's one thing guaranteed to ruin your romance with the widow of the man you murdered for having an affair with your wife, it's the return of said wife, to whom you had confessed your crime.

Pity, then (perhaps), poor Tony, whose shiny joy at advancing his relationship with Maria is about to be shattered into a million little shards with the return of Carla.

Like Banquo in stilettos, she strides back into Weatherfield just in time for baby Liam's christening. And she doesn't come bearing a tiny silver rattle.

Tony's isn't the...

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As EastEnders announces that a live episode will be the culmination of a weeklong commemoration of its 25th birthday next February and Coronation Street prepares to celebrate its 50th anniversary in December 2010, the question of how a soap - working so far ahead, as they must - can best mark a milestone becomes more pressing by the day.

So what would make a suitable celebration? The climax of a big plot or an explosive stunt is a given, but as soaps are regularly punctuated by momentous events, that would hardly be special.

...

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Emmerdale

With all the recent arrivals in Emmerdale, you'd be forgiven for thinking a League of Gentlemen-like New Road had just opened beyond Butler's Farm.

Maybe it has, because who is this but another new face, in the shape of one Priya Sharma. Dressed for an evening out clubbing, this little madam immediately befriends Eli and alienates almost everyone else. The two are, naturally, closely connected.

Priya joins her brothers Jai and Nikhil just as they begin recruiting their sweetie factory workforce, offering the promise of employment to the likes of Lisa, Laurel and Faye. Natasha will be pleased....

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EastEnders

Bad penny alert! Sam Mitchell, is that you? (No really, is that you? You look, er, different. And yet oddly familiar.)

Last seen hotfooting it to Brazil after helping to dispose of dead Dirty Den, Sam seemingly has had enough sun, sand and caipirinhas and can resist no longer the allure of Walford, a warm white wine in the Vic and, ahem, Ricky. No, I have no idea why either.

And neither do an anxious Phil and Peggy - nor a highly put-out Bianca, who has a face like thunder. Little wonder, as she was just...

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Coronation Street

Roll up, roll up - it's fairground time! I know what you're thinking: isn't every day a festival in Weatherfield? With the choice of freak shows ("Witness widow Maria fall into the arms of her husband's killer!"), the various houses of horror ("See Demon David Platt and his incredible performing eyebrows!"), and the men who look as if they've left the waltzers unattended (yes, you, Peter Barlow), you could be forgiven for thinking that all the fun of the fair was to be had on the cobbles in perpetuity.

Were we to play Pin the Tail...

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EastEnders

Another week, another wedding - or at least an attempt at one - as Walford plays host to the joining of the most improbable pairing you're ever likely to see outside a Heston Blumenthal menu.

Dawn and Garry's big day dawns with only a few clouds on the horizon. But those clouds are of the thunderous sort: the bride's affair with Phil, and Minty's knowledge of said shenanigans; Dawn's unresolved grief over her dead beloved, Jase; Garry's off-putting resemblance to SpongeBob SquarePants… Better bring an industrial-strength cagoule. And wellies. And an inflatable dinghy. And the Red Cross's...

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Coronation Street

Here comes the bride. Again. And this time, beautiful, bolshie Becky is determined she won't scupper her nuptials by getting legless beforehand.

Instead, she's invited Jim, who'll likely do that for her. Actually, Jim is the least of her and Steve's concerns - and I'm not referring to Liz's outfit, or that she's brought Andy back from Spain, or indeed that Steve and Becky have entrusted Eddie Windass to make the cake.

Rather it's the culmination of Hooch's plan to frame the bride that rains on her parade. And what rain it is. Torrential, truth be...

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Emmerdale

To "Never lick an iceberg" and "Resist hugging hedgehogs", let's now add "Abstain from arguing atop a flight of stairs". They might never have made public information films about such situations, but admonition is nevertheless warranted.

Just ask pregnant Nicola. Ripe as a peach, she engages in a stair-top altercation with Lexi, who, in keeping with Soapland lore, is bitter and twisted on account of not being able to have children. Soon Nicola ends up in a crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs. Yes, more crumpled than usual.

Curiously, this is the least of Nicola's woes...

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EastEnders

They might as well put the hospitals - and the police, the fire brigade and the Walford branch of Relate - on high alert now, as there are two celebrations in Albert Square this week, and we all know what a party in E20 entails.

The biggest festivity/catastrophe-waiting-to-happen is Libby Fox's 18th birthday. With an IQ higher than the rest of Albert Square combined, Libby is thrown into turmoil when a message arrives from her estranged, deranged and imprisoned dad Owen, wanting to see her. (He, you'll recall, kidnapped and tried to kill Libby, after abusing and...

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Emmerdale

There are unfamiliar faces gracing Emmerdale's highways and byways. Or at least the road to Butler's Farm. Missing the sign that proclaims "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" and ignoring the distant sound of duelling banjos, Moira and John Barton are so enthused at the prospect of their new life that even finding a delusional Andy wandering around the farm does nothing to dissuade them from settling down.

Let us not say, then, that they weren't warned. The Bartons are a happy, hale and hearty family. Let's see how long that lasts, shall we?

Meanwhile,...

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EastEnders

Whatever it is that Phil dabs behind his ears to attract the ladies - and we're assuming it's not vodka and/or pork scratchings - he should consider bottling and selling it. Now that he's added Dawn to his list of conquests, we can only presume that Phil's pheromones are catnip to Walford's women. It's hardly his sparkling personality, is it?

And though there are few fine male specimens down E20 - the passable ones are either confused about their sexuality, like Syed, or, like Jack, fighting off increasingly demented Mitchell sisters - is Phil really the best...

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Coronation Street

The sort of man who would steal your teeth and come back for your gums, Tony Gordon has been softened by his friendship with Maria. While it's a pity it took murdering her husband to bring them close, let's not dwell on the downsides. Maria certainly isn't. Welcoming into her life the man who once threatened to end it - warning her there was plenty of room in the boneyard beside dead husband Liam and dead baby Paul - Maria is nothing if not forgiving. After all, she needed some flatpack furniture assembled.

With Maria frustrated...

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