I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE ENTIRE HOUSE TO STAND FIRM ON NIKKI AND SHOUT, "OH, GROW UP OR GO HOME, YOU TEDIOUS LITTLE TWERP."

Truth or dare

"I'm sorry, Big Brother," whispers Ash, blowing oceans of snot into a handful of tattered tissues, "It's just every time I fink of Jonathan, I…" Ash puts her face into her hands and snivels again. A whole weekend has passed since Ash kicked Jonathan out of the BB7 secret house, yet she's still utterly racked with guilt.

Thank god Ash didn't see what actually happened when Jonathan reached the top of the famous white stairs and the doors swung open - to reveal nothing. Well, nothing aside from a deserted Elstree car park, a bored security guard picking his teeth and a few Endemol runners waiting for the bus home. "Nice," said Jonathan, dryly. It must have made the months he spent auditioning, hiding out in hotels, lying to his family and friends and missing work all so very worth it.

Obviously, what Ash really did to Jonathan was a huge favour. He was far too clever, eloquent and considered in his actions to live in the Big Brother house. Look at Mensa Michael right now, he's only been there four days: "I demand respect! Give me some respect!" he squeals, "What is wrong with you people?! What is going on? None of your arguments make sense! I am sick to death of this house!"

Meanwhile, sensible Susie (Elle McDrearson) brews her 17,432nd cup of tea with an expression of hollow-cheeked intensity. Being brainy isn't an advantage in there.

Jonathan would have lasted a week before Britain grew tired of his "dull" ways. A lot of charming people, including Nikki, have spent weeks bluntly stating that Ash "talks black", ie Ash, who peppers her vocab with random west London hip-hop slang, apparently talks exactly like all of the billions of different dark-skinned inhabitants of earth. So imagine Nikki's rumple-headed incredulity to meet Jonathan from Keswick in the Lake District - an actual black person - and find he doesn't talk like that at all?!

"Pgh! He's so fake! He's such a wannabe!" Nikki would probably tut, as Jonathan chatted away in his Cumbrian lilt about the time he climbed Scafell Pike. The poor lad would probably need to stick in the odd chorus from Ice Cube's Lethal Injection just to keep the status quo in stupid land.

"I like Jennie!" slurs Glyn in the diary room, "She is very nice. Very nice!" (Subtitle: I like Jennie, she doesn't wear trousers much.)

Interestingly, Spiral, who is a white, hip-hop-obsessed Dublin lad, doesn't receive any criticism for the way he speaks, although this is because he says stuff like, "Ach, yer nah it was pure animal! She's got dem 12-10s and am dancing - yer nah sexy ting!? An grinding! It's all gud in da hut. Ah better be massagin' dose lips an' 'at. Do you get me?!" No, nobody gets you, Spoirol. Whether you're pale pink, dark brown or one of the myriad skin tones in between, Spiral is utterly incomprehensible to civilised man.

Most BB7 house drama tends to revolve around Nikki right now. In a nutshell, Nikki has carried on in an especially childish and tedious manner since Thursday when Ash returned. Nikki and Jayne have bonded over a shared hatred of Ash. They've spent days now working themselves up into a frothy-mouthed frenzy over Ash's wickedness.

Meanwhile, Ash, who is having a minor breakdown owing to last week's secret-house events, hasn't been wholly taking on board what's going on. I mean, she knows Nikki's being annoying and weird, but Nikki is always annoying and weird.

Having failed to turn the housemates en masse against wicked, evil Ash, Nikki goes to Plan B. She curls up on her bed, her bottom lip jutting, eyes red-rimmed: "I feel intimidated! I feel scared! I mean, what happened in the bathroom yesterday when Ash was cleaning…it scared me. I am scared."

Nikki pulls her best Bambi expression. She seems at least half the size she was yesterday when Ash complained about the filthy bathroom and Nikki swept her hand over her head to signify she didn't give a flying crap, then smirked, "Hah! Who cares!" before craning into the bleach-filled shower to make the point that no-one tells Nikki what to do. "Don't go in the shower, she said to me!" Nikki bitched to Jayne, "Who does she think she is? I'll do what I want!"

"You scare me, Ash…" Nikki now says in the bedroom, making sure that the other housemates can hear, "No…everyone, please stay! You all know about this trouble! I think you should hear!" Ash sits down and puts her puffy, tear-stained face in her mangled hair. She looks like a Barbie doll that's been through a tumble dryer. "The thing is, Nikki," she says, "I can't take much more of this. You build things up in your head that aren't there. It's not how things really are." "The problems are yours and not Ash's," says Richard.

Nikki's powers of control are seriously failing her. She's just angry now, although at what, she's not sure. She tries her best to disrupt the tennis task to make a point. "I'm tired!" she shouts, "I feel nauseous." She storms to her room and lies face-down howling, then comes back to the court and repeats the pattern again until people begin to coo over her. I'm still waiting for the entire house to stand firm and shout, "Oh, grow up or go home, you tedious little twerp."

After winning the tennis task, the house is furnished with lots of alcohol and a small sense of drunken bonhomie fills the air. "I know!" shouts Mikey, "Let's play Truth or Dare!" "Yes! What a great idea!" shouts everyone else. There must be a box on the Big Brother application form that says: "Despite being over the age of 12, do you still think it's a really good idea to play any drinking game with a title like Spin the Bottle/Ten Minutes in the Closet/Bap-Grope/Touch the Snake, or any other party game that will no doubt result in someone needing 72-hour emergency contraception? Tick yes or no."

Quickly, Ash is snogging Nikki and swapping spit with Pete. But she churlishly and tactlessly rejects Spiral, who then begins to work himself up into a rage.

"Don't look at me with your face!" screams Spiral at Nikki, who he believes is smirking his rejection at the hands of Ash. To be fair, Nikki has got quite a naturally annoying face, so there's a chance that she wasn't mocking him at all. "I won't have you look at me with that face!" he shouts. Don't worry, Spiral, Nikki's pants are so short there are a number of other bodily organs you can chat with.

"I like Jennie!" slurs Glyn in the diary room, "She is very nice. Very nice!" (Subtitle: I like Jennie, she doesn't wear trousers much.) "But she has a boyfriend who is a cage wrestler and I don't want to get beaten up! So I'll keep it to myself!" he broadcasts to the world through a horny, drunken fug.

"Hmmmm…it's a bit of a risky one that Truth or Dare game, isn't it?" says Richard, as the entire house descends into one big drunken, aggressive squabble.

You're not wrong, Dickie, no-one gets punched or pregnant during a nice British game of parlour charades.

Do you like playing Spin the Bottle? Mail me on grace.dent@bbc.co.uk.