You never call anyone by their first name anymore

Friends and colleagues may find it odd, but it's all about surnames and nicknames now. Because call anyone Galina, Tasha or Suzanne when you can call them Red, Taystee and Crazy Eyes? 


You imagine a fascinating, dramatic back story for everyone you meet

In real life you don't get flashbacks into people's dark, crazy past but you really wish you did. Then you'd know if you're right about that shifty-looking new colleague you keep staring at from behind your computer.


You trust no one

Vee pretends to have Taystee’s best interests at heart, but she’s really a sociopath. So while your friend says your new top looks nice, it could just be a rouse.


You take your work lunch breaks with unutterable glee

You are allowed out! You're free! Oh, that sweet concrete under your feet!


Orange is your choice of colour

 Whether you're off to a job interview, a baby shower or a wedding, chances are you'll be in a fluorescent shade of eye-watering orange. It just works. And what do they mean, you can't wear orange to a funeral?


Your culinary skills have fallen well below par

The kitchen used to be the place for whipping up nutritionally complex meals but now it's where you plot, scheme and hide suspicious possessions you don't want your family to find. And you're fiercely protective of it, too. 


You can fall asleep anywhere

Sure, Piper struggled on that thin mattress and dodgy bed frame at first, but now she's able to kip anywhere, and on anything. 


You're thinking of keeping chickens even though you don't have a garden

You do like eggs in the morning, but it's mainly so you can chase it around the garden like Red... 


You hoard toiletries in your room in case your housemates/boyfriend/girlfriend/ mum takes them   

You used to trust your loved ones with your possessions, now you've learnt what people will do for a bit of shower gel.


You fantasise about visiting in Litchfield. Just for a second.

Ok, so those actors aren't real prisoners and Litchfield is a fictional setting, and prison is far from fun. But you and Morello would get on so well.


You rack your brains about whether you've done anything criminal in the past 

That time you climbed over the fence in the park after-hours? Yep, Piper thought she was safe too...

Advertisement