Torchwood: Miracle Day – episode nine review

In which nobody notices the mole and Jilly gets excited about a cave

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I think we may just have witnessed the poorest ever resolution to a cliffhanger: jumping forwards seven weeks and hoping that nobody remarks on it. Somehow Jack and Esther were now in Scotland (come on Barrowman, surely this was the ideal opportunity to do that Scottish accent?), Gwen was back in Wales and Rex was fully integrated back into the CIA. Oh, and Oswald Danes was doing shopping deliveries: sorry love, they didn’t have any toilet cleaner, so we’ve substituted this repulsive murderer. Whack! Look out for that Vic-and-Bob frying pan, Oswald.

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We’re now in the grip of a global depression and Gwen was having to break into a chemist’s and steal medication. Esther, however, had somehow managed to get hold of a pair of hair straighteners, so things weren’t all that bad. Once we’d managed to recover from all this dislocation, the team – minus Rex – assembled at the new Torchwood HQ (ie the Coopers’ living room) in order to discuss what to do next. There was talk of going to Shanghai and Buenos Aires, which made lovable putz Rhys quite angry because he only ever gets to go as far as the supermarket in search of nappies.

Luckily Rex had all the answers thanks to a pulp-fiction story, but didn’t quite cotton on to the fact that there’s a mole in his organisation, despite his office looking like CTU from 24. Well, CTU crossed with the Big Yellow Storage Company.

Having digested the Nina Myers Guidebook to Turning Traitor, Charlotte Wills looks likely to make things difficult for her boss – but will Rex notice in time? Probably not, as he’s bound to end up dead in the finale. I made that prediction back at the end of episode one and I’m sticking to my guns: Rex is sure to be scythed down by Russell T Davies, who’s always had a thing for sacrificial lambs.

As for Jilly, well, she paired up with the woman with the Romulan shoulder pads and discovered that “the Blessing” was a big old hole in the Earth, a kind of pink cave with wind blowing through it that leaves a person feeling totally blissful. Or something.

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It also seemed to be drawing Jack’s blood towards it, so presumably the rest of him will follow in time for an ultimate showdown. Or the writers will shift the story on by two months again and we’ll just be given a cursory explanation. The way this series has panned out so far, nothing would surprise me now.