This Harry Potter chapter was written by predictive keyboard and it’s utterly bizarre but also perfect

What happens when you teach a computer to write like JK Rowling?

JK Rowling reads Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone

“‘Not so handsome now,’ thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce. The Death Eaters were dead now, and Harry was hungrier than he’d ever been.”

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That’s not a line from the weirdest Harry Potter fan-fiction ever written (even though, admittedly, there’s some really strange stuff out there). It’s actually a quote from Harry Potter and the Portraits of What looked Like a Large Pile of Ash, which has been generated entirely with predictive keyboards based on all seven of JK Rowling’s books.

The sample chapter (titled The Handsome One) is “continuity-agnostic”, so the plot makes very little sense – but it also reads exactly like a Harry Potter book. Ron’s scared, Harry’s reckless and Hermione knows just what to do.

Confused? Here are some choice lines:

“Leathery sheets of rain lashed at Harry’s ghost as he walked across the grounds towards the castle. Ron was standing there and doing a kind of frenzied tap dance. He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione’s family.”

“‘Death Eaters are on top of the castle!’ Ron bleated, quivering. Ron was going to be spiders. He just was.”

“‘Locked,’ said Mr. Staircase, the shabby-robed ghost. They looked at the door, screaming about how closed it was and asking it to be replaced with a small orb. The password was ‘BEEF WOMEN,’ Hermione cried.”

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Now the future of technology is here, will an author ever need to write a sequel again? Frankly this is a work of literary genius and fully deserving of a Pulitzer Prize, even if it’s not actually composed by a human. A minor complication…