Wolf Hall viewers left disappointed and dismayed by small codpieces

Hilary Mantel’s novel Wolf Hall won the Booker Prize. The BBC adaptation, which premiered last night, is an early frontrunner for the best show of 2015. Mark Rylance is widely considered the greatest actor of his generation and Damian Lewis isn’t far behind.

Whatever. We know what you want. Huge, thrusting, stuffed crotches, preferably inlaid with jewels and filigree lace work.

After Lewis, who plays Henry VIII, mentioned his own was “a dinky little one” and Rylance (the intellectually endowed Cromwell) suggested the conservative crotch-covering was out of respect for American audiences, all eyes were on the actors’ codpieces.

Waiting For Codpiece-o

Beforehand, anticipation encouraged lively historical debate, such as is found in the classrooms of our finest universities.

Codpiece spotting time #WolfHall

— Laura Harcourt (@LJRHW) January 21, 2015

Oo, time to leer at Damien Lewis in a codpiece. Splendid.

— Sarah Watkins (@janesharp1671) January 21, 2015

Do I go to bed so I'm ready for my 5am alarm, or stay up to watch Damien Lewis in a codpiece? Decisions decisions…#WolfHall

— Helen Jennings (@helenjenni90) January 21, 2015

It feels like the codpiece is ready for a comeback. Look for them in an Essex club near you.

Anyway, enough foreplay.

Now, Ssh! It’s big codpiece time. Enjoy:)

— TwoWheels (@TwoWheels3) January 21, 2015

Fasten your codpiece here we go!

— M E B 👓 (@mrsmosieposie) January 21, 2015

The Codpiece of Small Things

But wait, something’s wrong…

giving #WolfHall a spin….codpiece count so far = nil

— Liz (@redliz) January 21, 2015

Where…where are they?

Not one codpiece of note yet #WolfHall

— Laura Harcourt (@LJRHW) January 21, 2015

Sure there are codpieces, but none of note.

And barely a codpiece in sight. #WolfHall

— Freddie Rochez (@frochez) January 21, 2015

You struggle to see those codpieces, and we’re really looking. 

The #Codpiece is so non existent. #WolfHall :-s

— Jønathan Taí (@Jonno74) January 21, 2015

Those codpieces barely even exist. You can’t have a demur codpiece; that defeats the point of a codpiece. It’s a moot point.

Some suggested where bereft viewers might get their codpiece-fix…

Those regretting the paucity of #codpiece action in #WolfHall, turn ye to #HenryVIIIandhisSixWives on BBC iPlayer http://t.co/uvfrH4BSKr

— Æthelflæd (@aethelflaed) January 21, 2015

…but generally this was a scrotal disaster.

Codpiece in our Time

Oh well, at least someone’s happy.

There's a new codpiece in town… #wolfhall

A post shared by JOLLYBROWNVINTAGE (@jollybrownvintage) on Jan 21, 2015 at 2:10pm PST