You, a Hollywood A-list actor, have been invited onto The One Show to plug whatever TV show/film/play you have got on in London.
You have never watched The One Show before.
Your agent set it up.
You are tired.
You’ve done 92 junket interviews today and this is the last one, yet somehow it’s also the longest. Plugging your show/film/play should only take five minutes, but you’re here for 30? What the hell are they setting up outside? A dog obstacle course?!
The loudest and shortest theme music on TV is blasted out. The presenters don’t say their own names but say each others for some reason.
You’re introduced. The answers you’ve delivered all day are ready to be repeated, but then, wait… they’re now talking about bin collections in Stevenage? OK. They’ve gone to a film about this project now?!
You check your watch. Why are there 40 people in this studio with you? How are they going to get from this to your thing? OK they’re back now. Who is this expert you’re sitting next to? Wait, they’re asking you about fortnightly bin collections in Stevenage and what time you take bins out in Los Angeles??!!
I’ve delved through The One Show archives to find two things: the maddest segues and weirdest questions The One Show has ever asked during a celebrity interview…
When Cat Deeley was a guest and they had to get from a feature about a caterpillar making weird noises to a new singing show hosted by Cat Deeley
To Cat Deeley: “From a singing caterpillar to a singing a-capella…”
When Jason Bateman was a guest and they had to segue from a feature about dragonflies to an interview with Jason Bateman
To Jason Bateman: “From the transformation of the dragonfly to the transformation of Jason Bateman.”
When Boy George was a guest and they had to segue away from a feature about The Glasgow School of Art burning down
To Boy George: “George, you’ve turned your hand to art of late haven’t you?”
When Shania Twain was a guest and they had to introduce a feature about a new organist being appointed at Durham Cathedral
To Shania Twain: “Shania has been at the top of her game for decades, but you’re about to meet somebody who has waited 32 years to realise his musical ambition.”
When Riz Ahmed was a guest and they had just finished an item about the new £1 coin
To Riz Ahmed: “What do you make of this?”
[Riz Ahmed pockets the £1 coin into his jacket pocket]
When Mindy Kaling was a guest to promote her new film and they had just shown a feature about passing a driving theory test
To Mindy Kaling: “You’ve won many awards. Of all the things you’ve won, is it true that your Dad is proudest of your parking space?”
When Sir Trevor McDonald was a guest and there was a feature about whether you should keep tomato ketchup in the fridge
To Sir Trevor McDonald: “Are you a ketchup fan?”
When Andrew Marr was a guest and a feature about vaping had finished
To Andrew Marr: “You’re a former smoker. What do you think of the business of vaping?”
Andrew Marr: “It’s been 40 years ago since I have had a cigarette.”
When Ronnie Wood was a guest and they had to segue into a feature about a man painting a horse to make it look like a zebra
To Ronnie Wood: “We know that horses are very important to you, but our very own George McGavin likes painting horses, just not in the same way.”
When Roger Daltrey was a guest and they played a feature about an app that allows you to skip supermarket queues
To Roger Daltrey: “I personally love a checkout and I love people talking to people. You’re not so keen on this either.”
When Kit Harington was a guest and they had to segue from an interview with him to a feature about how dolphins were once on show in a swimming pool
To Kit Harington: “As the home of the Game of Thrones studio, Belfast has been home to dragons, direwolves and even three-eyed ravens. But what Jon Snow and friends might not know is that the city has been home to even more surprising creatures…”
When James and Dave Franco was introduced as a guest at the top of the show and they had to segue into a feature about The Ashes
To James and Dave Franco: “We don’t want to typecast, but as Americans we are guessing that you don’t really get cricket.”
When Gerard Butler was a guest and they had to segue from talking about how crisps cannot be recycled to talking with Gerard Butler
To Gerard Butler: “Gerard Butler has never had a crisp sandwich!”
When Mary J. Blige was a guest and they had to talk about puppets from Spitting Image being on sale and involve the guest Mary J. Blige in some way
To Mary J. Blige: “Mary, you might recognise one of them. Potentially.”
[The bottom right is Tom Hanks]
When Nigella Lawson was a guest and they had to segue away from a feature about how to survive Freshers Week
To Nigella Lawson: “What was your go-to dish at University?”
Nigella Lawson: “Onion soup.”
When Aaron Paul was a guest and he had to be involved in a discussion about chicken adoption with live chickens in the studio
To Aaron Paul: “You’ve found your chicken.”
Aaron Paul: “I’m taking this guy home with me.”
When Matthew Broderick was a guest and they had to segue into an interview with him after a feature about what we talk about with our loved ones shortly before we go to sleep
To Matthew Broderick: “Do you chat about work before heading to bed?”
Matthew Broderick: “We don’t talk about work that much.”
And finally, when Mel Brooks was being interviewed and they had to segue into a rather sad feature, resulting in Brooks responding with these iconic lines