It’s the Golden Grahams!

…the only TV awards of 2017 that matter, says Alison Graham

Doctor Foster Series 2 Promo

Can it really be that time of year again, when I sit back and take stock of the year’s television and award my coveted Graham Awards. Keep your Baftas and your Emmys, this is the statuette (disclaimer – there isn’t a statuette) that everyone wants. So, deep breath, drum roll… here we go!

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Moment of the Year Award Sponsored by Mothercare (no it isn’t)

The words “I think one of your children has just walked in” heralded the most delicious anarchy on BBC News as North Korea expert Professor Robert Kelly’s two kids burst in on his live interview. That was in March, and I’m still laughing.

Put the Oven On and Make the Stuffing, it’s the Drama Turkey of the Year Award

A hotly contested category with so many delightful stinkers – The Replacement, Paula, The Loch, Top of the Lake: China Girl, Love Lies and Records, Safe House, all highly commended. But the winner for sheer loopiness and bonkersdom goes to backwards-nonsense Rellik. Who the hell knows what happened? Who cares?

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 Shut the Curtains, You Don’t Know Who’s Looking In Award sponsored by John Lewis (no it isn’t)

Shared by Rellik (hello again!) and Doctor Foster. In Rellik, characters had sex in harshly lit bedrooms in full view of passers by and trains packed with passengers. Nothing would have happened in Doctor Foster if only the residents of Parminster had shut their curtains against nosey Gemma Foster. Get out of my garden, woman!

doctor foster

The Sky Didn’t Fall in Award

Goes to The Great British Bake Off. It moved to Channel 4 and it was great. Until Prue Leith blabbed the result on Twitter. Poor Prue. But she’ll get over it, and so will we.

Great British Bake Off 8: - Sandi, Paul, Prue and Noel (Channel 4, JG)
Great British Bake Off 8: – Sandi, Paul, Prue and Noel (Channel 4, JG)

Wish We Could Be More Like Bake Off Award

Step forward The Big Family Cooking Showdown. Aw. Just that. Aw. Sweetly low-key, domestic and doomed. A criminal waste of Nadiya Hussain.

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The Women, Eh, You Can’t Trust Any of Them Award

Paula, The Replacement, Love Lies and Records, Trust Me. Full of awful, awful, awful women who LIED.

Programme Name: Love, Lies & Records - TX: n/a - Episode: n/a (No. 1) - Picture Shows: (L-R) Anna (ROCHENDA SANDALL), Rick (KENNY DOUGHTY), Judy (REBECCA FRONT), Kate (ASHLEY JENSEN), Jamie/James (MARK STANLEY), Talia (MANDIP GILL) - (C) Rollem Productions - Photographer: Ben Blackall
Programme Name: Love, Lies & Records – TX: n/a – Episode: n/a (No. 1) – Picture Shows: (L-R) Anna (ROCHENDA SANDALL), Rick (KENNY DOUGHTY), Judy (REBECCA FRONT), Kate (ASHLEY JENSEN), Jamie/James (MARK STANLEY), Talia (MANDIP GILL) – (C) Rollem Productions – Photographer: Ben Blackall

Ending of the Year

Paula – titular Northern Irish siren of the baffling Paula – buried her murderous ex lover Prince Albert (er, Tom Hughes) under her concrete cellar-floor and fed him oxygen through a tube. Gosh, she was angry.

Paula (Radio Times, mh)

The Hang On, Can You Run That Past Me Again? Award

In a year of baffling endings the maternity-leave-hell drama The Replacement, murdery ‘mystery’ The Loch, Safe House and Liar all had questions to answer about their mystifying endings.

Joanne Froggatt in Liar
Joanne Froggatt in Liar (ITV)

You Can’t Catch Me Award

The murderer in Top of the Lake: China Girl who somehow managed to bury himself in sand on a crowded beach then put a cardboard box on his head.

top of the lake

Why Does It Always Rain on Me Award

We’re talking about YOU, multi-award winning Rellik, and In the Dark. Gloomy crime dramas made gloomier still by the constant, pounding rain.

elaine-rellik

Marriage of the Year Award Sponsored by Relate (no it isn’t)

Line of Duty’s Roz and Nick. She was a cop who suspected her husband of being a serial killer; he agreed to the amputation of her arm while she was unconscious. Boy, was she cross.

BBC1
BBC1

Fur Coat and No Knickers Award

Sky Atlantic’s Riviera. Full of horrible people being horrible in Monte Carlo, the most boring place on earth. I know, I’ve been.

Riviera, Sky, BD
Riviera, Sky, BD

Why Bother? Award

A clear winner, ITV’s Tennison, the prequel to Prime Suspect. Pointless, dull, generic cop show. Did I mention it was pointless?

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Sand Gets Everywhere Award

Goes to Demelza and Lieutenant Armitage in Poldark when they got down and dirty in the dunes. He wanted a quickie he could remember before he went blind. Ah yes, that’s what they all say…

Poldark s3 CAST PIC