Monday 7 October
Have you noticed that Robert and Michelle from Coronation Street (7.30pm, 8.30pm ITV) have turned into René and Edith from ’Allo! ’Allo!? In each episode, Michelle almost catches Bistro owner Robert cheating with Vicky and has to come up with elaborate excuses to explain his actions. I imagine him saying, “You stupid woman! Can’t you see that this poor innocent creature slipped on some bechamel sauce and I had to break her fall?”
You can expect the lies to continue tonight when Robert/René spins a story about having to spend the morning doing the accounts, when he’s actually up to no good at the nearby Chariot Hotel bar. But what Robert isn’t expecting is for Michelle to suggest that they take a last-minute holiday to Majorca. How will Robert break the news to Vicky? And will we get one of those “You Have Been Watching” end sequences where all the cast roll their eyes and give awkward smiles to camera?
Tuesday 8 October
There’s a brain tumour update from Ric in Holby City (8pm BBC1). If he doesn’t get surgery, he’ll have to give up medicine for good. But if he has the risky op, he could be in post for another 20 years. At which point, by my reckoning, actor Hugh Quarshie will be 84. (And you thought Dick van Dyke on Diagnosis: Murder was too old to be a doctor.) What I’m really hoping, though, is that Ric’s granddaughter Darla isn’t on screen for that long. The way she elongates the final syllable of every word is irritating. If I hear her worry about granddad’s “choo-merrr” again,
I may scream. Teens, eh?
Doctors (1.45pm BBC1) offers up the TV reunion we didn’t know we needed, but are more than happy to get. Wendy Craig and Bruce Montague are guest-starring as two OAPs who are suspected of being master criminals. Back in the late 70s, of course, the pair were pussyfooting around each other as Ria and Leonard on Butterflies.
Wednesday 9 October
I’m not sure I approve of this current Coronation Street (7.30pm, 8.30pm ITV) trend for comebacks via Skype. Angela Griffin’s recent return felt underpowered because we only saw Fiona on a laptop screen. Now, the same tactic is being employed for Emily Bishop, who puts in a video call from Edinburgh to Ken Barlow (William Roache) on his 80th birthday. While it’s sweet that Eileen Derbyshire is making this cameo, I’d have preferred to wait until she was available to have Emily arrive home properly.
And you have to wonder where this will lead next. Bet Lynch messaging Liz from her Brighton bar? Curly Watts wishing Kev a happy Christmas for no good reason? In five years’ time, they’ll probably be doing computer re-creations of long-dead actors, like Star Wars did with Peter Cushing. Mind you, I would quite like to see a CGI Betty Turpin startling the Rovers’ regulars when she turns up to serve some spectral hot pot.
Thursday 10 October
A solicitor turns up in Emmerdale (7pm, 8pm ITV) with news that Lydia has been gifted a large sum of money. So, of course, get-rich-quick schemer Mandy jumps in and pretends she’s actually Lydia. Which is all a bit weird, seeing as even Lydia isn’t really Lydia. Hopefully, Emmerdale hasn’t forgotten its own plotline earlier this year that saw Lydia reveal her birth name was Jenny Finn and that she’d taken on the identity of her now-dead housemate. And can we please get a story for Mandy that doesn’t involve her grasping for cash. Surely there’s more to her than this?
I’ve been thoroughly enjoying Adrian Edmondson’s slyly funny performance as Daniel in EastEnders (7.30pm BBC1), but it’s always a risk playing the “friend with cancer” opposite an established character who’s also been diagnosed with the disease. I think you know where this is going, but, yes, unfortunately, Jean will tonight learn that Daniel has died. So, it’s goodbye to Ade, I’m afraid. It’s been all too brief.
Friday 11 October
Don’t go looking for Coronation Street or Emmerdale on ITV as they’re making way for the football. But EastEnders (8pm BBC1) keeps its usual timeslot and we find the pressure building for Martin, who lashes out at Ben as he tries to persuade him to let Stacey come home. I’m hoping that Kat splits the pair up by yelling, “Leave it, you two! Haven’t you read the papers? Lacey Turner’s still on maternity leave, so Stacey ain’t coming back for ages!”
How are you feeling about Maxine on Hollyoaks (6.30pm C4)? Thanks to the exposure of her Munchausen’s, she’s lost the thing one she’s been craving: sympathy. But do you feel that she’s brought the opprobrium on herself? Or are you concerned that she won’t now have the money to feed her innocent child? Those in the first camp will be heartened to know that Mitzee is now inviting her sister over to America. But with Maxine low on funds, her critics may have to stump up for the ticket to get her there.