Peter Davison and Stavros Flatley planting lettuce together and Ann Widdecombe running around a field shouting “Woo I’m a big, bad wolf! Woo I’m a big, bad wolf”.
Yep, Sugar Free Farm is back. The ITV show, which is realistically only fit for teatime on ITVBe, is putting seven new celebrities together to live and work on a farm eating only healthy food and completely cutting all sugar from their diets.
Tonight’s first episode had more than its fair share of moaning, breakdowns and numerous shots of Ann Widdecombe drinking kale smoothies looking like she was chewing a wasp. Here’s the best bits.
1. Ann Widdecombe noshing in McDonald’s
If you read this in heat magazine’s ‘spotted’ section, you’d think that it was all lies. But no, there she was, eating the evidence.
It turns out that the former MP and Strictly star likes nothing more than chomping on a Big Mac. “If I have got a very limited amount of time and I am hungry I will nab a burger because it’s easy, it’s quick, it’s filling,” she explained. Well, you can’t really argue with that.
2. Peter Davison and “The Stavros Flatleys” made a dream team
If you’re a hardcore Whovian, you might want to look away now. Peter Davison, who played the fifth incarnation of the Doctor, spent two weeks of his summer bent over in a field picking courgettes with Stavros Flatley. Sorry, “The Stavros Flatleys” as narrator Helen Baxendale kept referring to them.
It’s basically impossible not to laugh as the voiceover tells us: “In the walled garden, ex-Doctor Who Peter Davison and the Stavros Flatleys have spent the last hour lettuce planting”
3. “Woof woof”
Up until now, Ann had hated, well, pretty much everything. But when she had the chance to run around a field chasing sheep? Her arm was up in the air faster than a rat up a drainpipe.
After learning the instructions for the sheepdog (“Lie down is…lie down”), Ann was raring to go.
Soon she was off, galloping about the field shouting “woof woof”, “aoop, aoop” and “Woo I’m a big, bad wolf. Woo I’m a big, bad wolf”.
She looked liked she had more fun in those five minutes than she did in nine weeks with Anton du Beke.
“If anybody ever says to me ‘was it worth doing a fortnight without sugar?’ for that experience of herding the sheep – yes” she declared afterwards. Her agent really should have signed her up to Flockstars instead.
4. Peter Davison’s sugar chum figure
“I was given this as a present and I thought it would be a good thing to bring along because it’s a little model of me as the Doctor, but the thing is it’s made of sugar,” explained Peter like it was the most normal thing in the world.
“So I could eat it, and I thought if I had it next to my bed it would serve as a kind of temptation and yet I know I could never take a bite out of myself. If I get through the two weeks and it’s still intact, I’ve done very well.”
As it’s probably been kicking around since the 1980s, we’re not so sure about that.
5. Gemma Collins was left hanging by Ann
This is always awkward. After Alison and Ann made the group a meal that didn’t taste completely of cardboard, difficult to please Gemma was over the moon. So much so she was eager to compliment the chefs.
“Oh my god, this is amazing. Well done…” she exclaimed, high-fiving Alison.
“High five me Ann!”
6. “Hit it! HIT IT!!”
Clearly no-one had told Farmer Greedy (is that his real name? Seriously?) to go on YouTube and check out Gemma in the I’m a Celebrity jungle prior to becoming his new farm hand.
“Her attitude I’m afraid leaves a lot to be desired for a farm,” he said, exasperated. “We’re here to work, not mess about.”
Instead of taking staples out of fence posts like she was shouted at by Greedy to do (“Hit it! HIT IT!!”), the most work Gemma did was plonk herself in a field and tell everyone how hot she was before finding something light enough for her tired arms to lift up.
“Oh look I found a lovely little feather”
7. Peter and Alison were a fed up old married couple
In a sequence that even the best sitcom writers would be pleased to pen, Peter and Alison were in the kitchen when the former Doctor Who star explained that he had the world’s biggest headache and just wanted to be in a nice quiet bed.
Alison was sympathetic, but had to get on with making the breakfast smoothie. Cue her repeatedly fiddling with the food mixer, turning it on and off and on and off as she struggled to work out why it wasn’t working properly.
Peter put his head in his hands and gave a pleading look to the camera as Alison eventually realised what was going wrong.
“Oh, I forgot the water.”
8. Everything else that Ann Widdecombe said
Whenever Ann opened her mouth it was comedy gold.
– “I’ve got better things to do with my life. What would I spend it on granola?”
– “As soon as I get out of here I will never want to eat any of this stuff ever again”
– “I’m having a great time…I’m cold, I’m tired and I want to go to bed.”
– “The food has been disgusting. Really disgusting. There’s nothing I’ve eaten today that I want to take with me into the outside world.”
We think she’s enjoying it.
Sugar Free Farm airs Tuesdays at 9pm on ITV.