[Scene 1: First Order troops, lead by the chrome plated CAPTAIN PHASMA, are scouring a village on the planet of Mandalore, overseen by KYLO REN. FINN, a young storm trooper with a mysterious surname, is having second thoughts.]
Captain Phasma: Burn it all!
Finn: No. The midichlorians in my blood allow me to disobey the First Order programming, because I’m secretly a Skywalker.
Kylo Ren: Excellent work Captain Phasma, I predict you’re going to make a big impression despite minimal screen time, like Boba Fett in the original trilogy.
Captain Phasma: Ironic, considering I secretly am Boba Fett: I escaped the Sarlaac pit and swapped my mind into a blank gender-alternate clone body left over from the Clone Wars.
Kylo Ren: Yes, very droll, now disappear until the next movie.
Captain Phasma: By your command, Lord Ren.
[Scene 2: The desert planet of Jakku. The scrap dealer REY, whose last name we don’t know, is watching two suns set. The planet used to be known as Tatooine, but shame at its association with Darth Vader caused it to be renamed ‘Jakku’. Jabba the Hut called it a ‘branding exercise’.]
Rey: Hello there, who are you?
[A squat, familiar droid sidles up to Finn.]
Rey: What’s that? No, I don’t know my last name. No-one does. It hasn’t been featured on any toy packaging or anything. I don’t have any parents, apparently I was found floating in a pool of midichlorians, a virgin birth. I have no belly button.
R2D2: [Excited beeping. Something explodes out of his top. It’s Luke’s old lightsaber!]
Rey: What’s this? A present for me? What is…
[She accidentally ignites the lightsaber. The blue glow reflects in her eyes. This feels right.]
[Finn crashes his Tie Fighter immediately behind them.]
R2D2: [Aggravated beeps and squawks. He sounds like he’s in pain! He judders, shakes and raises himself up on his tip-toes. Then, with a plop, BB-8 drops out of his exhaust shaft. He’s an adorable new-born baby droid!]
Rey: I have a bad feeling about this.
[Scene 3: On board the First Order flagship, in orbit around the immense Starkiller base]
General Hux: Your latest package has arrived, Lord Ren.
Kylo Ren: Excellent, my collection of mint condition Sith memorabilia nears completion. The guys in the Order of Ren are going to be so super jealous.
General Hux: I don’t understand, are you and your colleagues Sith?
Kylo Ren: No, we just really appreciate the message of the Sith and carry on their teachings.
General Hux: So you’re cosplayers?
Kylo Ren: Leave me!
[Ren cradles the melted helmet of Darth Vader]
Kylo Ren: Nothing will stand in our way. I will finish what you started…Anakin.
[Scene 4: On-board the Falcon. Our heroes race to get Luke’s lightsaber to General Leia, as it contains the schematics to the First Order’s universe destroying superweapon]
Han: Chewie…we’re home.
Rey: Oh my God, this is the famous Millennium Falcon. So those stories about what happened?
Han: It’s true. All of it. The Dark Side. The Jedi. The army of Emperor Palpatine clones funded by Lando Calrissian. They’re real.
[A flash! Chewbacca dies]
Han: Chewie, no!
Rey: Dad, no!
[The Millennium Falcon explodes]
[A droid steps out of the shadows, cradling his freshly painted arm, a bright ‘First Order’ red]
C-3PO: I am C-3PO, human-cyborg assassinations, and it was my pleasure to betray you today Captain Solo.
[Scene 5: Romance blossoms on the planet of Yavin]
Rey: Say Finn, can you remember your parents?
Finn: No, can you?
Rey: No. Wanna kiss for a bit?
General Leia: Stop. Take my advice and steer clear of this whole area. Incidentally, you haven’t seen Luke anywhere, have you?
Rey: No, he only shows up for a few seconds at the end.
[Scene 6: On board the First Order flagship, Resistance pilot POE DAMERON has been taken prisoner]
Kylo Ren: You will tell me what you know about the Resistance’s defences!
Poe Dameron: Never!
Kylo Ren: You will join me in the Dark Side!
Poe Dameron: Nope!
[Kylo Ren uses the force]
Poe Dameron: What is thy bidding my master?
[Scene 7: The Resistance stage a last ditch attack on Star Killer base.]
Finn: They’re everywhere! Dameron, get this guy off me!
Poe Dameron: Die Resistance scum!
[Poe Dameron starts shooting at Finn]
Finn: Oh no!
[Suddenly, Poe Dameron explodes. The camera pans up and there, flying out of the sun…]
Han Solo: Shoot first, talk later…
[It’s the Millennium Falcon! It shimmers blue and translucent. Inside Han and Chewie are Force Ghosts. The Millennium Falcon is also a Force Ghost.]
Han Solo: …that’s what I call flying Solo.
[Scene 8: The surface of Starkiller Base. Rey and Finn are battling Kylo Ren, who swats them off.]
Rey: Who are you?
Kylo Ren: Really Rey, don’t you recognise…
[Ren remove his helmet]
Kylo Ren: …your twin brother?
Rey: That’s a lie! That’s impossible! I thought Kylo Ren killed my brother when he was a baby!
Kylo Ren: You’re right, in a manner of speaking. For really it is I…
[Ren puts on the melted Darth Vader helmet.]
Darth Vader: …Darth Vader!
Finn: But how? You died on the second Death Star!
Darth Vader: Quite simple really – when I died the good aspects of my character ascended as a Force Ghost, but the evil aspects transmitted down my bloodline into Kylo, allowing the midichlorians to resurrect me.
Rey: But…that doesn’t make any sense.
[Darth Vader starts laughing]
Darth Vader: Veby well, I see yousa is too smartest for me. The true evil at the heart of the First Order is…
[Vader removes his helmet and the mask under it]
Jar Jar Binks: …mesa, Darth Jar Jar Binks! I’s taken revenge for my friend Ani!
Finn: Of course!
Rey: It all makes sense!
[Suddenly, a red lightsaber blade explodes through Jar Jar’s chest. He slumps to his knees]
Jar Jar: …poo-doo.
[He dies. A robot hand is seen turning off his lightsaber and taking off a cloak. It’s a familiar face, but bearded and with red lizard eyes.]
Luke Skywalker: Father was wrong… there can only be one Sith Lord of the Galaxy!
[BB-8 hatches like an egg. A tiny baby Yoda emerges.]
Yoda: To be continued, the story is.