On a winter’s Friday evening, you might have tuned in to watch I’m a Celeb to unwind and free your brain from all the week’s stresses and strains. Instead you were forced to imagine, in minute detail, Duncan Bannatyne having sex. Or as Vicky put it, “banging his girlfriend”.
As the Grump Dragon flew off out of the jungle, the campers consoled themselves about his exit by saying that he’d be having a ‘lovely time’ tonight in civilisation.
“He may be 66 years of age,” said Kieron,” but he’s a very horny old man and he’s been desperate to see his girlfriend and make up for lost time so I’m really pleased for him.”
With that image seared into our skulls, we all poured ourselves another three large glasses of wine.
The footballer, who was clearly by now imagining the sort of Lovely Time he might have when he leaves the jungle, then came up with a game that you shouldn’t play with your relatives this Christmas. It involved asking Jorgie whether she liked sex “hard and fast or slow,” “french knickers or thongs,” and exactly what time of day she did what Duncan was doing right then.
Then Kieron got a different sort of ride to the one on his mind, as he was strapped into a tombola with Vicky for a Bushtucker Trial and had to answer questions while maggots cascaded over their bodies. The duo were asked how many times the word “lucky” appears in the hit Kylie song, and had to give the right answer while being spun around.
I have newfound respect for the people who come up with these tasks, because only an evil genius would get contestants to sing I Should Be So Lucky over and over again in a spinning box while ants fall into their open mouths.
Not just into their mouths. “They’re in my pants,” yelled Vicky. “They’re nibbling my balls,” shouted Kieron.
The Kylie question was no problem, but “how many penises does a snake have?” caused some serious head-scratching.
“Mine’s the equivalent of two” laughed Kieron, clearly still imagining Duncan and Jorgie’s sex lives.
“I’m going with one” said Vicky.
“Are you sure?” asked Ant and Dec.
“No, of course not, I’ve never had sex with a snake!” was Vicky’s response.
Again, the nation poured itself another few bottles of wine.
The other big news, just two days from the end of the show, is that Tony was voted out of the jungle after finding himself in the bottom two with Ferne. She looked gutted, but Tony was happy to be out. “ALCOHOL,” he screeched when handed a glass by Ant and Dec, before saying he wanted Kieron to win.
Back at camp, Kieron finally fulfilled his dream of being leader. Or as Ferne put it, “sitting around and doing absolutely nothing.” Well, with fewer chores to do now, Kieron can spend even more time probing the campers about exactly when and where and how they like to have sex.