She’s never been backwards in coming forwards so is it any wonder that Lady Colin Campbell has become I’m a Celeb’s resident sexpert?
“If you’re into the turf, you like a good stallion”, she told Kieron Dyer as the pair lounged in a hammock, with talk of football quickly turning to her love for a certain fancy footed fella.
“Cristiano Ronaldo, that’s someone I’m sure who knows how to play bowls properly,” she purred from her perch. “In all my days I’ve never not got what I wanted, I’ve had the crème de la crème!”
“However,” she continued, “sex without love quickly becomes a bore. No matter how good he is.” Dyer couldn’t resist asking her how she thought he would rate, much to Twitter’s despair.
“I bet he’ll last four times otherwise two and a half” she grinned authoritatively, “then I’ll have to say sorry, I’ve reached my destination and you must depart immediately.”
Her sexpert opinions didn’t end there either though: when the campers were asked to decide what percentage of British women (10% or 22%) said they preferred pillow talk to a bit of rumpy pumpy in the Dingo Dollar challenge, the lady was utterly aghast to hear Ferne McCann and Vicky Pattison suggest a higher figure.
“I like drinking hot chocolate and eating cookies in bed, and reading a book,” revealed Vicky – who bossed the Badvent Calendar Bushtucker Trial to bring home nine stars – while Ferne said she knew a few girls who’d definitely prefer a take away to taking their kit off.
Sexpert Lady C was having none of it: “I can’t believe that I in four-and-a-half women would prefer sweet nothings to sweet somethings,” she protested. “In my world sex and pillow talk go together.”
She wasn’t the only one who couldn’t believe what the girls had said either, though. Duncan Bannatyne and Jorgie Porter, who’d had to chop down a tree to try to earn treats, were rather miffed that the girls had gone for the incorrect higher figure.
“Screw telling me whatever you’re trying to tell me. Just get involved,” said Jorgie, while Duncan struggled with a mixture of grief and disbelief.
Never has a man looked so despondent about the loss of a marshmallow – or maybe he was just disappointed by the youth of today…
For all her talk, though, there was one thing sexpert Lady C didn’t know about – the phrase “spooning leads to forking”.
And though it may have become a little lost in translation, at least she had Vicky and Ferne there to physically act it out and illustrate it for her.
“For the rest of the day now I’m going to have the thought of Lady C and Cristiano Ronaldo getting it on,” Kieran mused in the Bush Telegraph.
Sorry, we’ve arrived at our destination. Can those thoughts please depart immediately?
It’s no wonder poor George was blubbering by bedtime.
I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! continues on ITV on Wednesday at 8:30pm