While Americans had debauched, crazy parties in all-male campus accommodation — with beer bongs, thumping music and jumping into swimming pools — you went to slightly rubbish parties in dirty kitchens. And the closest to swimming you got was slipping in a puddle of warm beer.
While American girls all lived together like sisters in a palace and discussed boyfriends while doing aerobics together, you just co-habited with whoever happened to be in your halls. When you chose your own house in second year, it was pretty damp and frequently had beer bottles floating in the bath.
While American uni students spent all their time carrying humongous barrels and then drinking from them at the craziest parties ever, you were queuing for hours in your student union ordering pints of blackcurrant, beer and whatever else was less than a pound. Mostly you didn’t actually know what you were drinking, or who it belonged to.
While Americans shared profound, life-changing moments with room-mates in their dorms, you had a hovel all to yourself. You were happy about this, but also disappointed at never being able to tell hilarious stories about “my college room-mate.”
While Americans went on fabulous beach-party holidays to Cabo when term ended, you went back home and ate a lot of your family’s food. Oh, and you also went to Brighton for the day with your new friends and ate some chips while sort of paddling in the sea. That was nice.
While Americans had rooms fit for a king, where the curtains were lovely colours and there were recliner chairs next to the antique desk, your tiny box-room could just about fit a lumpy, single bed. Which you fell out of every night for the first month.
While Americans had one lecturer who befriended them, realised their untapped potential, told them to dump their terrible boyfriend/girlfriend and generally changed their entire life, your lecturers didn’t actually know who you were. Or the names of the other 200 people in your lecture hall.
While Americans all learnt amazing things from lecturers giving their lessons on chalkboards, you spent more time looking at Power Point presentations and projectors.
While Americans sped off campus for trips to the mall and beaches, you spent your uni years getting slow buses and delayed trains. It was easier to just stay inside.
Yeah, thanks America…