The funniest (and unfunniest) jokes from Edinburgh Fringe 2015 revealed

From the winning gag to the top of the flops, here's some one-liners that'll brighten your day...

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Comedian Darren Walsh has scooped the award for best gag at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival which he described as a “punderful feeling”. 

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Walsh is the eighth winner of the Dave award, chosen from a shortlist by a panel of UK’s foremost comedy critics. And with around 7,200 jokes to choose from, winning is no easy thing. 

This year’s festival saw Walsh’s first ever full-length show, with 23% of the public vote making “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free” the joke of the Edinburgh Fringe. 

Check out the top ten list:

1. “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free” – Darren Walsh

2. “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West” – Stewart Francis

3.  “Surely every car is a people carrier?” – Adam Hess

4.  “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” – Masai Graham

5. “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go” – Dave Green

6. “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas” – Mark Nelson

7. “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day” – Tom Parry

=8. “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves” – Alun Cochrane

=8. “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle” – Simon Munnery

10.  “They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for…” – Grace The Child


Plus:

Honourable mentions – those one-liners that missed out:

“I never lie on my CV…because it creases it.” – Jenny Collier

“If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself” – Ian Smith

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one to one time” – Tom Ward

“Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t” – Gyles Brandreth

“Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me’” – Ally Houston

“Earlier this year I saw “The Theory of Everything” – loved it. Should’ve been called “Look Who’s Hawking”, that’s my only criticism” – James Acaster


Top of the Flops – and some of the jokes voted most groan-worthy included:

“What do honeymooners eat for breakfast? Wedded Wheat” – Lou Sanders

“I am Canadian. But if you think I’m Russian, Soviet” – Steward Francis

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“I suffer from PMS. My wife gets it and I suffer” – Jeff Green