24 bonkers quotes from The Apprentice episode five

Boleyn, balls and bus banter... week five of The Apprentice and the candidates still haven't quite got a smooth strategy sorted out

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This week the two Apprentice teams were tasked with organising a day trip outside London, complete with coach, entry to various attractions, lunch and (rather worryingly) on-board entertainment. 

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It’s a wonder some customers didn’t get the train back. 

As always, among all of the ‘wheels on the bus’ action, we were treated to plenty more bonkers quotes, too: 

James hasn’t quite got his head around the early morning wake up calls…

“25 minutes? I can’t even blow dry my hair in 25 minutes.”

Mark was pretty sceptical about Daniel’s thoughts on where they were off to for the fifth task…

“South Mims? Well Daniel said it was on the edge of the M25 and he said it was a petrol station, but I’ve learnt to believe nothing Daniel says…”

But was instantly proved wrong. (Good thing he didn’t end up on Daniel’s team for the day as part of Team Tenacity. Oh wait…)

“We are at a service station…” laughed Sanjay

Desperate to strike a good deal, James wouldn’t take no for an answer when it came to negotiating a bargain entrance fee at Hever Castle for Team Summit

“You seem pretty firm on your prices, but I’m going to try my luck again…”

Solomon had a different sales technique for selling tickets:

“Solomon has a target audience he’s going for – young girls. He’s charming them. It seems to be working for him,” revealed Roisin.

Bianca had yet another style, all but giving tickets away as she told customers they were her last hope at a sale…

“Being totally honest with you, you are the last group we are speaking to… You got me, I don’t know what to say.”

Over on Team Tenacity, Lauren was under pressure

“Lauren you’ve got a lot of homework to do to get 300 years of history into an hour,” Pamela teased.

Someone was less than pleased with her own task…

“Right now I’m ironing a fecking image onto a bag. Something they should be doing and they’re not here,” Pamela wailed.

Mark really wasn’t feeling Project Manager Daniel’s efforts:

“That is horrendous… The best thing that boy’s sold all day is himself to us [as PM]… and then nothing since.”

Now on the road, James was trying his best to keep the customers happy:

“Thanks for bearing with us, we are actually almost here…” he trilled (now 40 minutes late)

His charms certainly didn’t work on Sugar’s aide Karren Brady…

“I’m just recovering from the coach journey from hell…”

It’s OK, James really came into his own when describing the gardens of Hever Castle…

“They take very good care of these gardens. Some birds here, lovely shapes and sizes. What do you think that one is guys… a ladybird? I’m not sure.”

Not that Gemma fared much better:

“The oldest piece of furniture that’s in this building is the marriage chest. If you can find that have a look at that, that’s special in this room.”

Even the guide book couldn’t save her when asked a question

“I can’t see it mentioned in the guide book, can you hold that question and we’ll ask when we get to the experts at the bottom?”

Especially when it came to explaining Henry VIII’s relationship with Anne Boleyn

“It seemed like Henry wanted to move on… that’s Henry VIII for you folks.”

Although at least the day trippers got to see the whole attraction. Canterbury Cathedral didn’t go quite so well…

“90% done, but we’re going to have to head through Canterbury and head back to the coach…” Sanjay and James sheepishly explained

This sounded more like a threat than anything else from James:

“Had a nice time? We’ll have another sing-song on the way home.”

And, well, he’s mentioned his nether regions just a few too many times now

“We do have a little hat here, gonna ask for some cheeky tips as we’ve worked our balls off today!”

As ever, Lord Sugar wasn’t pulling any punches in the boardroom, telling James:

“If Anne Boleyn’s neck had been as thick as you, she might still be alive.”

And he had some wise words all lined up for Daniel, too:

“Listen Daniel, flannel is for the bathroom, not the boardroom.”

But Daniel’s team did win, and off they went to enjoy an abseil from the top of the Olympic Park Orbit Tower. Well, sort of…

“I can actually feel the sick coming,” Katie wailed

With Daniel enjoying it even less…

“How is this a f****** treat?”

And even though they did win, the rows continued outside the boardroom between Daniel and Mark

“To be honest with you mate, I’d rather win ugly, than lose being liked. That’s the truth,” Daniel told a stunned Mark.

But at the end of it all it it was Gemma who was sent packing – probably to go and remove this particular statement from her CV:

“I have to say that Gemma, you’ve always been “the girl that nearly wins”, and I’m sorry to say that you’re not going to win on this occasion. Gemma, you’re fired.”

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The Apprentice continues Wednesdays at 9:00pm on BBC1