Sarah Millican: 5 ways to my man’s heart

From cat litter to The Walking Dead, the comedian reveals her relationship tips...

To keep myself at the top of the Best Wife Ever list, there are a few things that I do. (Hey, this is a family magazine.)

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1. I offer to change the cat litter. Each day, we split cat duties into “food and water” and “change the litter”. In the olden days, men would do poo jobs while women cooked (poured) the meals (brown crunchy bits). But my man and I are equal and I don’t mind emptying the trays, while being weirdly proud of what my cats have produced. “She’s her mother’s daughter” etc. 

2. I beat him to making the first round of tea in the morning. Admittedly this is rare, as I’m sure the kettle is sometimes on before his eyes are fully open. He’s like a thirsty newborn hamster. 

3. I buy tickets to a band or singer he likes. This is tricky as most of his bands are dead. And a visit to a famous grave is not as clappy as a concert. The most recent singer I surprised him with was 1960s folk singer/songwriter Vashti Bunyan. I even went to the church (the venue) with him. (I bought tickets to Steeleye Span for when I was in Australia: “Have a lovely time! Bye!”) I enjoyed Vashti Bunyan, too, even if the tuck shop turned out to be harvest festival. Too many tins of Niblets, that’s how you know. 

4. I buy surprise meat when it’s my turn to do the food shop. Like a steak when we were planning a pie. Who doesn’t love a meat upgrade? I once bought my husband a bag of meat for Valentine’s Day. Nothing says “I love you” like chops and sausages. 

5. Being ahead of the game on his favourite authors and TV programmes is another good one. I bought the latest book by his favourite writer on the day it came out and he hadn’t even realised it was due. Gold star. And when I casually mentioned that I’d series- linked the new series of The Walking Dead (Tuesdays Fox) and he replied, “Oh, when does it start?”, I knew I was about to get another big tick.

We watched the series opener together (we both love the show) and he even put his crisps in a bowl, a true sign of respect for any quality TV programme. He is more stoic in his appreciation of the show than I am. I clap and oooh like a pantomime audience (“They’re all behind you! Eating your shoulder”). I also realised that the walking dead move like I do first thing. Slow, ungainly, with clicky knees. Has anyone tried solving the apocalypse with tea and toast?

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Sarah’s new DVD Home Bird Live is released on 17 November. Pre-order now