Sarah Millican: “I’m so jealous of Ant and Dec”

“Ant and Dec have it made: funny, hardworking, dishy… and best mates”


I’ve had a few best friends (bezzies) in my time. I really hope they aren’t reading this. I’m sure they’d prefer to think they were my only one and that I’ve never fallen in “best” since we broke up. I hate to shatter that illusion but I’m afraid I’m going to. I don’t “put it about a bit”, I am very loyal to my best friends. Apart from that time I had two on the go at the same time. But they did know about each other, to be fair.


I played outside with one – running away from Spiderman (the boy who chased you while holding a spider), swapping Smash Hits stickers and saving the world in the guise of a woman named Jackie, via a pretendy computer that everyone else thought was a bay window. I played inside with the other – applying Crayon Girl nail varnish in her porch just so we could peel it off, swooning at her framed picture of George Michael and eating iced gems in the reference library because we knew it wasn’t allowed.

Do you see that at the time I needed two friends? Good, I’m glad. Since then, I’ve only had one at a time. At college, it was a girl with whom I danced in nightclubs to Dina Carroll while gently soaked in cheap whisky. Then a girl I worked with in a plastic skirt. For the past ten years my best friend has been a woman I first met at work. We were first sat together outside the manager’s office after she realised her room wasn’t soundproofed so she needed staff she could trust.

We’d work hard and giggle a lot. And at 4pm we’d have an energy drink and a caffeine tablet and go crackers for the last two hours. She is always there for me, and I for her.  

We chat when we can and meet up whenever possible and text each other every day. She is a constant in this pretty weird life I have. I’d happily see her every day. She is The One. I don’t even glance at other friends in the street. Which is why we should all envy Ant and Dec. Imagine having that person you’ve known for years always there. The person who’s always there for you and doesn’t tell people about your collection of pictures of Kirstie Alley, or that you once went home from school with a boil on your nose. Ant and Dec have it made. I worked with them for the first time recently and it occurred to me what an absolute ball they’re having. So professional, so funny, so hardworking (and quite dishy) but most of all a team. The way I feel when drinking tea in my Bezzie’s kitchen. Invincible. Like we can handle anything. That is the way Ant and Dec feel AT WORK. Amazing. Long may they reign.

Don’t ditch BBC3

Very sad that BBC 3 is moving online. It has always been such a safe place for comedies to grow.

The Sarah Millican Television Programme — Best of Series 1&2 is availableon DVD at