1. Got your eye on someone? Make sure you tell absolutely everyone else in Chelsea before announcing your crush to the object of your affections.
2. Is there no one left in Chelsea to fancy? Fear not, you have plenty of close friends to hit on. We’re looking at you, Francis…
3. If you do manage to convince a member of the opposite sex to join you on a date, make sure you head out to a ridiculously overpriced bar serving artistic masterpieces masquerading as cocktails.
4. Failing that, consume a copious amount of alcohol and cop off with one of your friends. You can try to keep it a secret, but the truth will undoubtedly come out at a social occasion attended by most of Chelsea.
5. Just come out of a long-term relationship? Another girlfriend/boyfriend is exactly what you need. Ignore all your friends’ well-founded advice to the contrary.
6. If the love of your life doesn’t want to be with you, make sure you indoctrinate her with declarations of love, ignoring all protests to the contrary.
7. There are no limits to the pool of Chelsea dating material. Your best friend’s ex? Ripe for the picking. Your best friend’s CURRENT girlfriend? Also on the menu…
8. Short of ideas? Why not embark upon a relationship with one of your best friends? Tell her you love her, change your mind overnight and break up with her the following morning. Then gatecrash her holiday to beg her forgiveness.
9. Have a few drinks and climb into a hot tub with a member of the opposite sex. Make out and then lie about it. No one will ever find out.
10. Keep your girlfriend a secret from all your friends until the point of kissing in the aforementioned hot tub. Remember, no one will ever find out.
11. Unfortunately, happy ever after doesn’t make for good telly, so as soon as your relationship starts hitting the skids, make sure you air your feelings with everybody except the person in question.
12. Cheating on them and trying to keep it a secret certainly makes for good telly. Make sure you do the deed with another regular cast member to up the drama.
13. If you’re the philanderer in question, don’t forget to insult your other half during your apology. Something along the lines of, “You’re desperate. Get over it,” should do the job.
14. If you’re the injured party, make sure you take him back over and over again whilst crying on national telly. A lot.
15. When you eventually do split up, you’ll find yourself in an uncomfortable situation with your ex in the following week’s episode. Make sure there are plenty of awkward silences.
16. Fed up with SW3’s dating pool? Get yourself a dog – they generally behave better then Chelsea’s members of the opposite sex.
17. And don’t even think about asking Lucy Watson out on a date. Ever.
Made in Chelsea continues tonight at 10:00pm on E4